A Poet's Secret

Chapter 6

I wake up to a cold empty spot in the bed next to me where Ezra should be. Eyes still closed, I feel around the bed for him but he's nowhere to be found. Reluctantly, I open my eyes to find him at my desk reading. Reading a book?
I sit myself up on the bed and rub my eyelids.

"Ez what are you doing"
He stands up in shock like I startled him. My rolly chair rolls back and comes to a stop as the book he was reading falls to the ground. I get up to pick up the book and all I can think is no, no way. It's my journal.

"Ez," I  say suddenly breathless
"Ez I  can explain" My throat clogs up

Ezre takes a tentative breath.
"Who's 'her'?'"

I don't answer. I can't even look at him.

"Zora, who's her?" I  remain silent and he scoffs

"I know who it is. I just wanted to hear you admit it" he paces around the room, running both his hands through his hair, his back to me.

"E- Ezra it's- it's nothing" I  try
"It's an assignment in English that we're working on. On.. on perspective! It's not whatever you think"

He turns around with teary eyes and sniffles "Oh for fucks sake Zora why won't you just admit it! Why do you keep lying! I read everything! All the pages of you wishing it was her kissing and touching you instead of me! Why Zora'' he cries
"Why?! I have done nothing but love you! Were you imagining her tongue in you last night too?" tears flow out of his eyes as his face reddens

"You know I've known" he starts calming down a little
"I've always known that it was her. All the wayward glances when she left to hook up with someone and the envy in your eyes when you speak about her feelings. I've known but I'd always hoped that if I  stayed long enough and loved you hard enough it would be me and I've stayed for years Zora two whole years Zora! But I  guessI've just always been a fool to believe you'd ever love me back"

I sob and desperately grab his hands "But I  do, I  do love you Ez"

"But not as much as you love her" he says quietly when he removes his hands from my grip and wipes his tears
"it's sort of pathetic you know, because she'll never love you back"

"You don't think I know that?! Why do you think I  haven't told her"

"Oh thank god! you finally admit it?" Ezra shakes his head
"Why would you ever even date me if you're so in love with her??"

I try to talk but I can't because my throat feels like there are needles spiking through it from all angles. I feel the urge to ease the sensation with my hand but I see Ezra starting to leave.

"Ezra please" I  cry, heart physically aching
"I do love you- I do. I  -" I'm ashamed to say it but I need him to stay.
"I thought I could get over her because you're literally perfect but…"

Ezra's eyes click with realization and hurt "She's your first love… and here I  was thinking that we were each others"
Ezra doesn't say another word as he grabs his things and leaves, managing not to slam any doors even with his rage.

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

I'm left alone in my home, without my mom, my best friend, no doubt Ezra will tell her what happened, and without him I hate it.

I hate that all I can feel at this moment is the feeling of utter isolation and I hate it. I sit with a thump on the side of my bed and I cry. I cry till my head hurts and till I have no more energy to sniff my snot back in. and I imagine how I look at this moment; ugly sad and pathetic. No wonder Sierra doesn't want me.

I cry until I can't anymore. Then I pick up the stupid journal that caused all this and read through the pages. I started this shit in freshman year but I've been in love with her way before that. I read through all the rants and poems stoically and then I rip the pages out, throw the journal against my closet opposite to where I'm sitting, and cry even more. I must've cried for hours because when I woke up, I woke up to a pounding on my door and it was my mom.

"Zor are you okay?" my mom's voice echoes from the other side of the door

I clear my throat but it does nothing to how throaty my voice sounds "I'm fine Mom"

I look out the window and it's dark outside. How long have I been lying here? The events of this morning come rushing back into my head and tears well up into my eyes again but I shut my eyes tight to keep them from rushing out and then I check the time. It is 3 in the morning on Sunday.

"Zora please unlock the door," my mom says again

"Mom I'm really fine," I  say with my voice cracking, very convincing

"Zor," she says softly

I sigh "Give me a second Mom"
I head to the bathroom to wash my face but my eyes are still red and puffy. I open the door and I'm immediately engulfed in a hug.

"What happened?"  she asks and I  break down again. That day I slept in my parents ' room. My dad is away on another business trip so it's just me and my mom. Just like old times, till it was me, my mom, and Sierra, then it was me, my mom, Sierra, and Ezra. But I  guess we've come full circle.

I stayed in my room for most of that week with no concept of time. My curtains are closed and my lights are always off. I'm not sure how many days I spent in my room barely eating, barely showering, always sleeping, and writing sad poetry.