Plucky Toughtfullness

empty standstill

Sometimes, when you're lying on the ground, you can hear the world breathing.

You can feel the frantic speed at which the Earth spins on its own axis.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

You can run in the opposite direction, you can grab onto the grass. But it keeps spinning.

"The sun will rise and we will try again", right?

But what do we try again?

To be a better person?

Making the right decisions?

Let go of the bad?

Some nights, you're standing there, somewhere outside, just before you go into the house, or you get in the car, and you stop.

You watch the sun. Its color play with the clouds. Pink. Red. Purple. Blue.

And then there's just the darkness.

The sun's gone, and you're noticing how it's getting cold. Actually, you've wanted to be in the house for a long time. You've wanted to be driving for a long time. But as so often, something is holding you back.

It's like the setting sun lets something of you go down with her.

Now it's empty. And still.

But as always, you don't have time. No time to think about.

You've got to go. Even further, even faster.

And yet another day is over.

Tomorrow, everything's going to be better. You're going to take the time you need. You tell yourself.

It's not that bad. "Stay positive"

Other people are much worse off than you are. You should be happy with what you have.

Maybe it's you. Maybe you're not mature enough. Maybe you think wrong. Maybe you're too weak.

And so you talk yourself down. Because that's what you are.

Small.

That's what the people on that plane up there would think, too. If they could see you.

Standing there. In front of the house, in front of the car. With your key in your hand.

It looks like a flying, blinking star. On its way to where the sun is still shining.

There comes again the desire to lie down on the ground. Just right where you're standing.

Maybe you'll get lucky and you'll grow into the grass. Just disappear. Become part of an alien organism.

You look at your clock. All you really want to know is how long you've been standing there. It's cold now. You can barely feel your hands anymore.

The first missed calls and messages are waiting for you. Where are you? What are you doing? Actually, you wanted to be there by now.

Or your phone stays empty. No messages, no calls. Nobody wonders where you are.

In both cases, you're hoping for the grass to just swallow you. With every breath of the earth. Deeper and deeper.

But no matter how much longer you stand there in the cold, it's not going to happen.

So you take a breath, feel the cold in your lungs, look at the stars one last time.

Look for the plane. But it's already out of sight.

So you unlock. Get on your way.

"The sun will rise and you will try again"