Time

XIV

Nautica

I sat lost in my thoughts as I watched Aris run around the backyard with Bug. I was doing much better than I was a month ago and I owe it all to these two.

I wanted to get better for myself but being around them everyday made me want to get better for them, too.

I put Aris in a fucked up situation. I acted irrationally but I just wanted the pain to stop. You ever go through something constantly and it feels like the only way out is death? That's what it felt like.

I've always had Kerian and pops but I've still always been alone. I went through everything I did alone and although I have people around me that love me, I'm still in my head alone.

At least, I was.

I'm so used to dealing with shit by myself it's causing me to do crazy ass shit that I didn't even consider would bother others. I keep forgetting it's not just me and Kerian anymore, that it's not just me anymore.

I'm not used to long term or committed relationships so I'm not used to somebody genuinely giving a fuck about me. That's why I pushed her away for so long. I'm still struggling to love myself properly so how can I give that love to her? How can I make her love the woman that I am if I don't even love myself?

It's a cycle of guilt and error that I don't know how to stop.

Well... I do.

I just haven't been ready for it. I haven't been ready to sit and talk about my feelings and every little fucked up thing that's happened to me. I haven't been ready to face all those bottles up emotions because I know when they come out I'll explode, I'll fall apart worse than I already have.

Then again, I've never had a reason to before. Aris aside, i've created a bond with Bug i'll never want to throw away. I wasn't even thinking about her when I did what I did and I regret it so bad. I don't want her to lose somebody that close to her twice. I don't want her to be aware of the grief this time.

I'm just ready to fix it all. I'm ready to be happy.

"Bae!" I heard Ari's yell breaking me out my thoughts.

"Yeah mama?"

"Can you go open the front door? Kobe and then just pulled up." she yelled back at me.

I got up from my seat and walked back inside towards the front door. I don't know how ready for this I was but hell, it's now or never.

I finally got to the door and swung it open to see my brother, Renni and Jacobe on the porch. I peeped Asayah been MIA lately, I was going to have to ask about that later on.

"MY NIGGA!! I missed you man" Cobe said pushing through everybody to pull me into a hug.

"Damn bitch" Renni said as he bumped past her.

One thing about that nigga, he was super affectionate. His ma nem' made sure he loved on his friends the same way he did his family.

"Wassup bro, how you been?" i said smiling pulling back from the hug.

"Man, I gotta chop it up with you later. Let me go say hey to my niece." he said walking towards the backyard.

"Hey ugly" Renni said coming through the door and giving me a hug.

"Man move" i said chuckling before pushing her off of me.

"Don't be stank" she said smacking her teeth and following Cobe outside, leaving me and Kerian.