The summer everything changed | CF

19~What the fuck

    I sat in my bed sobbing, I don't think I've ever cried this hard before. It wasn't even this bad last time, but now was different. We're losing Susannah and this time for real. I was in bed crying in my dress, my makeup was gone and my hair was ruined. How didn't I notice? Have I been that blind this summer, I didn't even notice that Susannah was as sick as she was? I eventually heard a knock on my door and it opened. I looked up for only a second.

    "Why didn't you tell me?" I was still crying, so much has happened in less than two hours. Jeremiah leaving me alone again and finding out Susannah had Cancer, again. My voice was hoarse and tired, my eyes burned with hot tears.

    "I wanted to, I promise you I did." I could tell he was truthful about that, his voice was soft. He had been crying too and his expression was gentle.

    "Don't say promise, all promises I have been given have been broken lately." I spoke fast and I sat up to look at him. Mom had knocked on my door to tell me dinner was done but I didn't care. I couldn't eat right now. "You could have told me!" I raised my voice a little. "I could have helped you Connie." More tears fell down my cheeks. I felt sorry for him, that he knew all this by himself. He was holding all of the sadness about his mom to himself. I can't even imagine, she's not even my mom and I can't stop crying.

    "I know I'm sorry, I am so so sorry. But I wanted you to have a better summer this year. You were actually enjoying yourself." He explained.

    "Bullshit!" I yelled mostly about of sadness and he came over to sit on my bed. "I'm mad you didn't tell me, I thought you trusted me!" He walked closer to me and I stayed where I was.

    "I know and I do trust you Liv but it's more complicated than that." He hugged me and with all the emotions running around in my body, I hugged him back without even a second thought. He wrapped on around my shoulder holding the other to embraced the back of my head. He held me tight like he was never going to let me go. "Be mad at me all you want, it's okay." I cried more as he held me, but also calmed me the more he held me. I was surprised he was okay with being the bad guy.

    But this is the main reason he's been so off this summer, I know it now and it makes so much more sense. I could have helped him way more with that if only I had known. I know he let go of some of it and told me but he didn't tell me the whole reason. I guess I could understand why, I mean we all saw how Jeremiah acted when he found out. He held me like that for as long as I needed, he didn't let me go till I let him go. "You should probably get something to eat. You threw up there's probably nothing in your stomach." He's right all I've had was that muffin this morning. When they finally told us I threw up, I didn't want to believe it and I cried so hard I threw up. I'd never done that before. I got up, still in my big poofy dress and got the energy to walk downstairs.

"You want some ice cream honey?" Susannah asked as I entered the room. Almost like everything was normal, the same old sweet smile.

"Why's everyone okay right now?" I looked around confused, everyone had poofy eyes. But no one was crying anymore like they had just gotten over it and Conrad smiled looking at his mom.

"It's what I was coming to tell you." He spoke softly nudging my shoulder.

"I'm gonna try the treatment, for you guys." She gave me a hug as she said it. I felt a whole lot of relief hearing that but that, she was trying for us that's all that matters. "This dress is so beautiful on you. Literally stunning." I stepped back and finally gave her a little smile. Through the sadness she could still make me smile.

"It is."

I ate some spaghetti and had hope in my body, also a lot of other feelings but I was trying to think of the better things right now. Worrying so much makes your life impossible, thinking about the positives is what gets you through in this world. I know one thing. They are my family and when family needs you, you're there for them. I wanna be there for Susannah. I wish I could be with her all the time, but right now I was with her. Here in this house, our home.

I was exhausted by the time I went to get into bed and I couldn't unzip my dress. I didn't have the energy or the wingspan. So I went to the one place I knew I could seek help. I knocked on the door and he was sitting on his bad still wide awake. The door popped open when I knocked. "What's up?"

I closed my eyes tiredly. "I need help." I fell onto the end of his bed. "Dress needs to come off."

"U-uh okay." He got up off the bed and walked over to me to unzip my dress for me. It unzipped to my lower back and I just laid there. "There you go." I stood up and stood in front of him.

"Thanks for having my back when Jere left me hanging." He nodded, I held my dress on me.

"Anytime, I'll be here." He had a warming look on his face, the kind of look that leaves you content while also giving you a warm feeling in your chest. "You looked beautiful tonight, I don't know how someone could leave you hanging like that."

    I rolled my eyes. "Because he doesn't care about me like he used to."

    "I'm sure he does. He's just being Jere."

    Not really, he wasn't being the Jeremiah I knew. He's change, everybody has. This summer wasn't like any other we've ever had and from now on it would stay that way. We're older now we're changing and not everything is going to stay the way we want.

    That night I fell asleep feeling a few different emotions but I knew everything would be okay. Susannah agreed to do the treatment and she was resilient, she would fight hard to stay with her boys. Stay with all of us, she had to.

    I woke up that next morning with a little bit of hope that everything would be okay. I found myself in the kitchen for a few seconds, Susannah was on the couch in the family room. Looking at all her lovely paintings of us. I looked at her for a moment then decided to let her be in peace and find Conrad on my own. I wanted her to have her time and enjoy it at the summer house. Especially considering how extreme we've made her summer this year.

    I couldn't find him around the house so I started walking out to the beach. I figured he was probably sitting there himself. After all that happened last night. The further I got out the more confused I got, him and Belly were sitting in the sand. Just talking to one and other, but when I got closer Belly had started leaning in and kissing him. My heart dropped once again but this time I was just confused and mad at Belly now.

    I yelled. "What the fuck!"