Church and Tex are inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose and Tucker
MI Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.
Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?
Mental image of Church appears behind Caboose
MI Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck?!
Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?
MI Church: My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!
Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.
Tex: Yeah, we've met.
MI Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!
Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.
Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.
MI Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)
Church: Fine, whatever.
MI Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.
Church: The reds? The reds are in here?
In the real world. Mateo, Grif and Donut are next to the sideways jeep
Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?
Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.
Mateo: Come on, goddammit!
Grif: (sighs) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up and Rivera got dragged away that you were last in the Warthog, right?
Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"
Mateo: (confused) Okay, what the hell are you saying?
Grif: Oh God!
With Lopez as well as Tucker driving Sheila heading towards the red base
Tucker: Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, it must be this button.
Sheila: Do not touch that button.
Tucker: Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one.
Sheila: Do not touch me.
Tucker: You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive.
Back to the reds
Grif: I cannot take anymore of this.
Mateo: Oh my fucking god, shut up and tell us where it is instead of saying bullshit!
Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
Mateo: Okay, I'm done with this fuck! (unholsters his pistol)
Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide.
Grif runs off.
Mateo: (turns to Grif) You don't want me to do it for you?
Grif: (running) NO!
Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.
Mateo: (turns to Donut) Bro, I'm about to end your life, so be quiet with that quirky place you call a mouth.
Grif keeps running but stops once he saw something coming towards them.
Grif: Oh crap!
In the distance is Lopez, Sheila and Tucker approaching Red Base. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep
Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting!
Mateo: Bro, what did I just said?!
Grif: Not now, guys! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!
Mateo: Wait what?
Donut: What?!
Donut and Mateo hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching.
Mateo: Oh shit.
Donut: Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out!
The pink suit runs around in circles screaming. Until the marine grabbed him by the collar and shake him.
Mateo: Keep it together man!
With the blues approaching Red Base
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!
Sheila: The controller, retard!
Tucker: Hey that's kinda insulting.
Sheila: Retard.
Tucker: Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.
Sheila: ...retard.
YOU ARE READING
Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)
FanfictionAn 18 year old signs up for military service, and gets shipped off to somewhere he's never been or heard of before. A hot canyon with a bunch of idiots inside. RvB is owned by RoosterTeeth Halo is owned by Halo Studios
