Lost || Jace Herondale

TWELVE

My head swam with voices. Voices I didn't recognise. They were incessant, insisting that I wake up. But it was as though I had forgotten how to move the muscles in my eyes. No matter how hard I strained, they wouldn't open. But the voices got louder and louder until my ears rang and my head throbbed. 

Or perhaps my head throbbed from the lack of oxygen and my ears rang from being submerged under water.

 And all of a sudden my senses came to light and I was a spluttering mess. I could feel a man's hands shaking me to life. I kicked and thrashed until the hands left my body and the water could escape. I gulped and gasped and guzzled air until my lungs were full. 

My eyes shot open instinctively but my vision blurred from the bright bathroom light. 

Elijah sat before me, the swirl of fear dissipating from his face as I grew more conscious. I grabbed the body spray off of the counter and aimed it into his eyes. He yelled in pain and rubbed at his eyelids to stop the burning. I sprinted past him, my legs numb and trembling from the ordeal. I didn't know where my body was taking me but found myself in my bedroom. 

Elijah soon followed, his eyes red and raw. He called my name, but before he could reach me I slammed the bedroom door shut. My back slid down the wooden barrier between him and me. 

The events of what happened were flooding into my mind as I recalled what my step-father had said. Angel father.  And in that moment I knew he knew. And he knew that one way or another, I had found out.

I flinched as his fist made contact with the door as he pleaded for me to open it. "Please Freya, open the door. I just want to talk." 

I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them tightly. "What- what did you mean by 'your angel father'".  

"So it's true. You know about the Nephilim." I could hear a faint sigh through the door, "I was once a shadowhunter until the angels stripped me of my runes and banished me from the shadow world for protecting your mother. Sweet Amy." 

I breathed in a shallow breath, "why didn't you tell me? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me like this? Why have you kept the shadow world hidden from me for so long?"

"The night she died, when the rogue shadowhunters invaded our home; Amy only thought of you. Your mother ordered me to keep you safe. No matter the cost. You see. . . it's forbidden for an angel and a fallen to be together. Hell is no place for a child, and Amy was not granted forgiveness and allowed to return to heaven. So she remained here - on earth. " He paused and I could almost hear the clench of his heart as he spoke about my mother. He truly did love her. 

I was unable to find any words, unable to find my voice or the energy to stand so Elijah continued. "Open the door Freya. I swear by the angel that I will not hurt you." 

A tremendous amount of guilt washed over me at once. Perhaps it was my fault my mother was dead. And it was my fault that my mother had to go into hiding in the first place. And perhaps it was this train of thought that gave my legs the energy to stand and my hand the instruction to open the door.  

Elijah took a step inside. I couldn't bare to look at him, for every time I did, all I could see was his cold eyes as he ripped away my breath. "I'm sorry I had to do that to you. If you hadn't been keeping secrets from me and going behind my back, I wouldn't have had to punish you. But you know that I'd never truly hurt you, don't you?" 

He took a step closer and I nodded. Elijah had lifted my head up from the water as soon as I stopped struggling. He would never actually let me drown. He wouldn't do that.  

"Good." He wrapped his arms around my stiff body and pulled me into him. "I only want to keep you safe. So don't ever lie to me again, do you understand?" 

"Yes." I spoke, my voice barely audible. 

"Now tell me, have you been fraternizing with shadowhunters?" 

His grip around me tightened as I stalled on an answer. But Elijah's hand caressing my wet hair prompted me to speak the truth. "Yes." 

He loosened his grip, "do you understand how dangerous that is?"

"Yes."

"And yet you do it anyway? They will use you for your angelic blood once they discover exactly what you are." Elijah narrowed his eyes as my shoulders tensed, "unless they already know."

I kept quiet, my heart thudding so loudly I could hardly articulate any thoughts at all. 

"Freya. Do they know that you are an angel?" 

I swallowed, I could not give him this. I couldn't. "No." 

A swift blow to my ribs sent me doubling over. "I told you not to lie to me, and now look what you've made me do. Answer me again, do they know your father is Ithuriel? Do these shadowhunters know that you are an angel?"

"No." I croaked, grasping my ribs to protect them from another punch.  

"Are you certain?"

No. "Yes."

"Good. Keep it that way." Elijah resumed caressing my hair and smoothing it down. "What of these shadowhunters then, what do they know?" 

"They think I'm a mundane with the sight." Lie. "I speak to them at the pandemonium. They were teaching me about the shadow world."  

"You shall stop all communication with them. They will only exploit you if they found out. They will use you. You have no idea how powerful your blood is. Do you understand Freya?" 

"Yes." My heart ached. 

"You shall work at the pandemonium and come straight home. If you are late then I won't be responsible for my actions. I am only doing this to keep you safe Freya - like I had promised your mother. I would never harm you the way other shadowhunters would. You know that don't you?"

I nodded numbly. 

"I would never forgive myself if someone were to harm you as a result of me not doing everything in my power to keep you under control."