I'm Not The Only One (Scomiche)

18: Struggle

"This wouldn't be the right thing to do."

Nirvana by Sam Smith

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I struggled.

Bad.

For the next few weeks this basically was my everyday cycle - first, I wake up happy because I either find Scott beside me or I'm left alone in the bed but I wake up to fresh coffee waiting for me. Next, I go about my day and get lost in work and articles and deadlines. But whenever I have even a little bit of idle time, the little green monster decides to have tea with the devil and they conjure various unhealthy, unwanted and painful thoughts in my head. Sometimes I succeed and I could shake them off, but on most occasions the negative thoughts overwhelm me. I then get anxious, worried and irrationally jealous, which translates to clingy messages and random calls to Scott. I always tend to make up excuses as to why I'm calling him for the nth time that day. Often I tell him that I just miss him and that I wanted to hear his voice, although I'm pretty sure that he knows my true intentions. In fairness to Scott, he was always patient with me. There was only one time when he seemed really irritated with my behavior, and even then he was quick to apologize and tell me that he understood that the whole situation was hard for me. On bad days (i.e. whenever I knew Scott had an interaction with Alex), Scott would usually make it up to me when he went home. He'd make sure that we would spend quality time, although it usually ended up with me asking him all about their meetings and how everything at work happened. Finally at the end of the day I sleep a little more peacefully, more secure in my relationship with him after being reassured repeatedly. When I wake up the following day, the horrible cycle starts anew.

It was vicious and brutal, especially on my heart, but I felt helpless. It was so hard to fight it that I felt the whole situation was a black hole I couldn't escape.

To be honest, my current reasons for being jealous were never with legitimate basis - hence, irrational. My current suffering was also mostly self-inflicted. Emphasis on the word current, because I was aware that my behavior was not because of whatever was presently happening but was largely influenced by what transpired in the past.

I was living in fear of the shadows of my own mistakes.

Simply put, I was afraid that Scott will cheat on me the same way he cheated on Alex.

I wasn't sure whether having Alex in particular, in contrast to another guy, in the picture was an advantage or not. On one hand, I was convincing myself that there really wasn't a competition anymore since Scott already made his decision and he had chosen me over Alex. For him to cheat on Alex early on in their relationship to me meant that he must not have loved him deeply. The downside of Alex being back is that he is Alex. The Alex who was there for Scott when I left him. The Alex who knew Scott better than most people (except me). The Alex who Scott and I hurt. The Alex who said he would fight for Scott.

My mind was a circus, my emotions were a roller coaster, and my heart was being pulled in a hundred different directions.

*****

It was one of those idle times at work and I found myself holding on to my phone once again, ready to hit speed dial and call Scott. I needed a distraction, so I opened the chat instead.

Mitchy: "911"

Satan: "911. What's your emergency?"

Mitchy: "I'm going crazy. I need help."

Satan: "I'm sorry. I don't deal with crazies. Any takers?"

GoBS: "Nope, I don't have the patience to deal with crazies right now."