I'm Not The Only One (Scomiche)

20: Realizations

"We talk maybe twenty times a day and still I never say what I want to say."

Good Thing by Sam Smith

---

I woke up the same way I fell asleep - alone. A quick scan of the apartment told me that Scott had already left. There was no coffee, no message, no anything.

With a heavy head and breaking heart, I prepared for work. It took me twice as long to get ready because I burst into tears every time I remembered how stupid I had been the previous night. I had spent most of the time I was left alone in the room thinking about the things Scott said and trying to figure out my answers to his questions. And as much as I didn't want to admit to myself, I had realized that our relationship was in danger not because of Alex but because of me.

I knew I had reason to not trust Scott. I knew that to an extent, I had the right to be jealous. I knew that my fears and insecurities had a basis.

But I also knew that I have been handling everything poorly, and in the process I have slowly started to push Scott away.

I wiped the tears and shower water off my face and proceeded to dry the rest of my body. I chose an all black ensemble to go with my mood and topped it with dark sunglasses. My head was too heavy to drive so I grabbed an Uber. I was almost at the office when I decided against coming in to work so I called in sick and asked to be dropped off at a park.

After buying coffee and a sandwich from a nearby shop, I settled on one of the benches. The rest of the morning passed by with me barely noticing. For hours I was lost in my own thoughts and I drowned in worry. More than anything, my realizations from the last eighteen hours of my life scared me because it made me see my relationship with Scott in a different light - which was ironic, really, because to me our future seemed dark.

When Scott broke it off with Alex and we got together, everything seemed like it had finally fallen into place. That my year of waiting had finally paid off. That I was finally getting my second chance with the man I once let go.

While I was hopeful, I was also aware that it wasn't going to be easy. It was, after all, still a relationship and I knew that no relationship was going to be smooth sailing. I just thought that with what we went through, we'd be stronger and we'd handle the challenges we'd face better.

I didn't anticipate that Alex was going to be that challenge.

Surprisingly, Scott has been handling everything better. I, on the other hand, have been spiraling since the day he came back into our lives.

What sucked the most was that I knew what had to be done, I just didn't know how to do it.

I didn't know how to let go of all my fears and insecurities without also letting go of Scott.

Hot tears burned the corner of my eyes again. Before I turned into a crying mess in such a public place, I packed up and went home.

My head was pounding by the time I arrived at our apartment so I decided to sleep it off. I then woke up late in the afternoon. Since I still had nothing in particular to do, I spent several hours cleaning our rooms and organizing my closet.

I was in our room, folding clothes, when I heard Scott at the front door. We had turned my room into our shared bedroom and used Scott's as more of an office. I put the clothes away, took a deep breath, and went out of the room to welcome him.

"Hi," I greeted a little nervously when I saw him.

"Hey," he said softly. He gave me a weak smile and it certainly did not reach his eyes.

"Are you hungry? I can prepare something for you."

"No, thanks. I already ate in the office," he replied.

"Oh," was all I could manage to say.

He walked past me and headed straight to the kitchen.

"Scott?" I called after him.

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"Are we..." I wanted to ask if we were okay but I was afraid he was going to give me an honest answer. "Nevermind."

He didn't even press for what I really wanted to ask. He disappeared into the kitchen and reemerged a minute later with a bottle of Red Bull, and he headed for the sofa without saying a word.

I wanted to sit next to him and ask him how his day went but he had already turned on his laptop. I retreated to our bedroom and waited for him to join me. But like the previous night, I fell asleep waiting.

The next two weeks were torture. My interactions with Scott were minimal. He did eventually resume sharing the bed with me. He still texted me throughout the day, and sometimes he was the one who would call. When we were both home early we'd have dinner together and talk about trivial stuff, but our conversation never touched on what were said the night I snooped around. He would smile but I could always see sadness dancing around the corner of his eyes. He would hug me, tighter than he usually did before, but he was always first to let go. He would kiss me but his kisses always seemed... unsure.

It seemed like he was waiting for me to make the first move. While I had every desire to really reach out to him, I was also afraid that it meant discussing the issues I was not ready to face just yet. So I let whatever it was that was happening go on. At the same time I counted down the days until the end of his project with Alex.

Scott and I had plans to have dinner on the night his project with Alex was completed. At the last minute, however, I cancelled on him since I needed to work overtime. He was understanding about it and told me that he'll go out with his coworkers instead.

It was almost midnight when the girls and I left the office. They all decided to wait for me since they knew what day it was for me. We headed out and as expected ended up drunk, and we all crashed at Lia's since her apartment was nearest to the bar we went to.

We woke up the following morning, sober enough to remember what we transpired the night before unlike the last night we went out drinking, but hungover enough to need double doses of aspirin and large amounts of coffee. We decided to head out and buy coffee, too lazy to prepare anything ourselves.

We had all bought our coffees and were about to leave when I felt the urge to pee. The restroom was at the back of the cafe so I left my coffee with Caty before heading to the back.

Even before I got near the bathroom I already saw who was sitting at the table close to it. I hadn't seen him in months, and the last time I did he was at my apartment, telling me that he will fight for Scott.

I would have turned back and ran away if not for the man sitting across him. He had his back to me but my fingers knew those blonde fibers all too well, my lips have traced every inch of the back of his neck, and the shape of his shoulders have long been etched into my memory.

Just when I thought my nightmare was finally over.