I'm Not The Only One (Scomiche)

6.2: Fears

“Maybe he’s a mantra, keeps your mind entranced. He could be the silence in this mayhem but then again he’ll never love you like I can.”

Like I Can by Sam Smith

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I have been sitting on the passenger seat for the last twenty minutes, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was very confused and sleep-deprived, and I knew that what I wanted to do was probably a bad idea.

Go home, Alex. Don't do this.

I sighed and pushed open the car door. I slowly walked to their apartment door. Every step I made was heavy, and my mind screamed for me to turn back. But I kept going forward until I was standing a foot away.

You can't do this to yourself.

I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Each second that passed was torture, and I almost wanted to run back to the car. But then the door opened, and before me stood the person whom I hated and feared the most.

"Mitch."

He was a mess - his hair unkempt, his lids puffy, his eyes a little bloodshot - and he was holding a tub of ice cream. He definitely had a rough night. I silently thanked the heavens for showing me that I was not alone in my pain and suffering. And at least I don't look like shit.

He gestured for me to come inside, and I did so without saying a word. I looked around the apartment and felt a tug in my heart. I was here just the other night and everything looked the same, no furniture out of place. But everything is also different.

I happened to glance at the door to Mitch's room and I cringed at the yesterday's memory - seeing both of them in bed with a thin sheet covering the lower half of their bodies, their clothes strewn across the bedroom floor. Scott's arm was around Mitch and they were sleeping soundly, so comfortable in each other's presence... like they've done it so many times. I looked away and turned my attention to the couch, only to be assaulted with more images of Mitch and Scott, naked, doing it right there. It made me feel nauseous.

I wanted to just stand up but my knees felt weak. I ended up sitting on the far end of the couch. I put my elbows on my knees and clasped my hands together. Mitch disappeared into the kitchen and came back a minute later. He sat on the opposite side of the couch.

"Water?" he asked while he offered the bottle.

"No, thanks," I replied curtly.

"I got your message last night.”

Diving right in. "And?" Are you going to stop sleeping with my boyfriend?

"And what?" He wasn't even looking at me. I just watched as he opened his bottle and chugged down its contents.

So you're not backing down. I sighed heavily. "Mitch... I love Scott very much." There was nothing else I could say.

"I love him, too,” he said without hesitation, without regret.

"I need him." I didn't mean to, but it came out so desperate. I wanted to punch myself.

He was silent for a few moments. "He told me he was going to leave you."

I flinched at his words. More than anything it was what I feared the most, and hearing it from Mitch's mouth only made it worse. "No..." I whispered.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

You're sorry for fucking MY boyfriend? For trying to steal him? Or you're sorry I found out?

I wanted to scream at him, to tell him to fuck off and to save his half-baked apologies but the words left me. I put my head in my hands and tried to think. All my thoughts boiled down to one thing - that I didn't want whatever I had with Scott to end.

In the end I said what I knew I wanted to say all along. "I'm going to fight for him, Mitch."

"Why?" he asked, confused.

I turned my head and stared right into the dark brown eyes of the friend who has been stabbing me in the back. Are you seriously asking me that? "For the very same reason you'd rather be his number two than nothing at all. You're not just after the sex, right?"

He tried to pretend as if my words didn't hurt but his own eyes betrayed him. I saw the pain in his eyes and I knew I hit the right spot. Mitch looked away and blinked a couple of times.

When he didn't respond, it gave me the courage to go on. I wanted to hurt him, at the very least with my words, to inflict even a fraction of the pain I was feeling. “Tell me, how long has he been telling you that he’ll leave me? Because last I checked, I am still his boyfriend. He’s still mine to call, Mitch.”

Mitch continued to stay silent.

Don't stop now. You're the boyfriend. You have every right. “I’ll talk to Scott. We’ll work this out… figure something out. We’ll get through this. This… You are just a bump in our relationship. We’ll -”

“He’ll pick me,” he stated matter-of-factly.

The rest of my words were caught in my throat.

“You said so yourself, Alex. You CANNOT compete with me. You may be officially together but we have years on you. I’ve known him longer, LOVED him longer. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation if he truly loved you. He’s CHEATING on you. With me. I’ve asked him to choose, but I’ve never forced him. If I do that now, who do you think is he going to pick?”

I wanted to tell him that Scott will choose me... chose me... and that our still being together was proof of that. But deep down I knew that it probably wasn't true. It was the reason why I haven't confronted Scott and haven't told him that I knew about his affair. I was afraid that he will choose, and the choice won't be me. See, Alex? This was a bad idea.

I stood up and turned to leave. I didn't really know what I expected out of the conversation, but I have had enough. It only reinforced my fear that I had very little, if any, leverage on the person I was up against except for the fact that I was still the official boyfriend. And now I knew that he wasn't going to give Scott up.

Well, I'm also not ready to give him up. I stopped and turned back around. "I will find a way, Mitch. I love Scott too much to give up that easily." I didn't wait for him to respond and instead continued walking towards the door.

As soon as I was out, I ran to my car. I started the engine and pulled out the driveway. I drove down a couple of blocks before I stopped. I took a deep breath and pursed my lips as I exhaled. "You'll be fine, Alex. Scott loves you. You'll find a way. You'll make it work. This is just a phase. A test to your relationship. He loves you. He loves -"

In my heart I knew that what I was telling myself was at most only half true, because Scott wouldn't have cheated on me if he truly loved me. I took several deep breaths but the fear of losing Scott, the pain of having been cheated on, and hearing Mitch's words in my head overwhelmed me.

A silent sob initially escaped my lips and it didn't take long before I was a crying and shaking mess. I placed my hand over my chest as if it could stop my heart from feeling like it was being ripped apart and stabbed to a tiny million pieces. I continued sobbing, thankful for the privacy the tinted windows provided.

I didn't know how long I stayed there but at some point I was able to stop crying and breathe. I wiped away the tears from my face and fished out my phone.

I typed my message and hit send before I could even delete it.

        Alex: "Hey, honey. Got caught up, can't make it to lunch. Rain check? I miss you already. I love you."