today I bought my first bikini. It was exhilarating, I looked great. but with the taste of excitement coating my tongue, and the promise of mischief in the bag in my hands, I looked in the mirror and suddenly I was too adult. There was no awkward teenager staring back, looking at her body in her first 2 piece. There was a grown man who looked exactly like my mother, and sounded like my father
my mother and father. We need you guys, y'know. Since the divorce it felt like you were just trying to get away from us and that's why you moved states. Like you abandoned us. Do you look at me and see mom, young and hopeful for a fresh start again, standing right in front of you? do you listen to me talk and hear dad, tall and rebellious, whispering promises of a different life in you and your baby's ears? do you know where your baby is? do you know who your baby is?
young and rebellious, tall and hopeful, with your father's grief and your mother's rage. You've got a partner that whispers promises of a new life, different from the abuse you faced in your ear, and a part of you can't help but wonder if you'll turn our exactly like your parents at your age too. You're so lucky, and so ungrateful...not pregnant, you'll never be forever 19. they will
is my mom god, or is god my mom? Standing strong without fault, I dedicated my life to her. to win her favour, to earn a place in her heaven, was the only privilege I hoped for. Her wrath was all consuming, her joy even more. But with the reveal of her history and her intent, you took that cross off the wall. you just don't believe in her anymore. My mom was sacrificed to be nothing but a mother for the rest of her life, god has not known sacrifice. especially not a mother's.
Is my dad Santa, or is he lying to me? Once a person of whimsy and wonder, turned into a dream who's break was inevitable. I stopped believing in Santa at 8 years old, when my tia wrapped all the presents right in front of me. I haven't stopped believing in my dad, because just like in that moment, I hoped I hadn't been collectively tricked. that the joy he gave me was still real. I'm scared I'll be trapped in that limbo forever
...sleep well, my darling. Your profection house says this year is all about undoing your trauma, your wounds, about loss and grief. you've found yourself at the cost of losing the only family you'd ever known, and don't think about your house being haunted or your cat dying, or the possibility of being pregnant and a worse parent than both of yours combined, you're in a paranoia episode.
you're unstable. you're perfect. your mouth is full of rot and maggots, and your throat is full of the buttons and batteries you ate in your childhood. You look great in that swimsuit, pink, glitter, and a halter top?! that compliments you really well.
...by the way, you should probably put a bandaid on that.
