I'm used to having to force my way into people's hearts, into people's lives.
I was always competing for the #1 spot. I was tired, but I was good. I triumphed over millions of options for less than stellar people to pour all their love and attention into me. For a little while, at least.
There was no better feeling than to rub my victory in everyone's stupid fucking faces. I mean, look at me! I perform for bare minimum circuses because I am a bare minimum clown. I come from an ugly background, I rear my worst traits first, and despite all that, someone chose me. Someone looked me in the eyes and said "you might just be worth something, might just be worth wasting my time."
In turn, that's all I thought of myself. Wasted time, wasted potential, wasted air and wasted space. It wasn't a good mindset for someone supposed to be a winner, huh?
I'm sorry if I'm too brash, too loud, too bold. I wish I could convey exactly what I went through when I wasn't standing by your side. I wish I could explain the hurt and the fear and the exhilaration and the relief I feel when you take my hand and say "I like you just for being you. There is no competition and nothing to win or lose. I simply want to be by your side"
What do you mean? what do you mean?! You're saying the very thing I've built my identity and name on is irrelevant? You're saying I never had to be someone incredibly special and better than the others to catch your attention? You're saying you like me?!
It's shameful. No it isn't, it's a blessing. I'm just ashamed. When I'm met with kindness and unconditional love, I feel like an abused kitten...back arched, claws out, and hissing, but I'm so tiny. So small and helpless that all my defense mechanisms are nothing but a half desperate plea to you. A creature like that should have never known such acts of heartlessness, but they bare their teeth anyways.
I take up room you could have, I demand attention to keep a connection, I leech from food and shelter that could be going to someone better, and for everything I keep inconviencing this world with- I still have the audacity to ask for help. I can't even keep my mood in check, my father never got his mental illnesses medicated, and my mother never unpacked her issues in therapy, and I am already enough of a family shame for doing both.
I am self reliant, I am a winner, I will succeed!
I'm sorry for being such a bad kitty. If you try to pet me again, I promise I won't bite. Just please don't be disappointed if I still don't trust that you want me.
