Are you becoming what you've always hated?
yes. because I once hated everything nice and good in the world.
specifically...
I hated happiness. I hated people that could smile like it was the easiest thing in the world, smile so big that you could tell they'd have smile lines later in age. I hated people that were surrounded by friends, it reminded me I was lonely. I hated people that could love and be okay with losing. I hated people who didn't need to take long nights alone to figure out their emotions. I hated people that could look in the mirror, that could stand their bodies and their faces. I hated people who were bold, who could lead life with no issue, who could live everyday knowing that their best fluctuates but either way they were trying
I hated every single thing I was soon to become. With that being said, I had a tainted view.
Smiling is not the easiest thing in the world. but wouldn't it be a waste to not use the smile I was given? I'm not always surrounded by friends, but I prioritize finding people that I love dearly and click with well much more than just not being alone these days. I'm full of love and I have suffered equal loss, but I know now that loss alone is just a reminder that I was capable of great love, all on my own, reciprocated or not. Oftentimes, I still need long nights to untangle my heart from my intestines, but it becomes much easier for both me and my heart too heavy if I can spot what we're feeling in the moment. And it's still hard for me to look in the mirror, but this body still being here is proof that me and many others in my family line have fought a long battle just to stand here. This face, it reflects a million features that were loved dearly in the past and lost to time. A mirage of adoration.
I wish I could turn back the clock, and say...my darling, you'll be alright. Your heart is too big for your body, and maybe it'll never fit in your chest. but why does that have to be a bad thing? Why are you ashamed of loving so deeply and fully? Why do you see vulnerability as the villain in your story?
So, yes. I've become everything I've ever hated. I've also become exactly the person I needed around in my youth, despite that hatred.
I can positively say, though life will always make me tumble, I'm happy
I once remember eating fresh crab apples out of a home grown orchard...
