Suihei-sen no yōna bakura e

Rural Lingo Lullaby

Nanako, do you like Mamma more or Pappa more?

Rei's fists were bony and sharp. Momoye's pawns all rushed to defense. Their kicks were sharp as well. Sharp as of daggers. Puncturing through me.
Nature versus nurture. When someone acts outside the conventional human behavior they are usually termed as 'monsters'. But carnivores hunt their prey. Searching and gathering food for themselves is only natural, thus they're not 'monsters'. Humans have a conscience they know which is good and which is bad. They know which is monstrous. Maybe that's why only we can be monsters. But if we all knowingly do monstrous things, doesn't that make this monstrous behavior just another part of human nature? Only humans are flawed, doesn't being monstrous come with being human, then? Was Momoye ever wrong if being like this is only what she was programmed to be? Shouldn't I excuse Momoye? Forgive her?
Why shouldn't I?
I was outnumbered and I was foolish. That's what I've always been. Mamma used to say I'm too naive for such a harsh world. Maybe I really am. Just maybe.
I couldn't feel my left eye so I assumed it was cut. When I cycled my way home I no longer writhed in pain. I almost felt nothing. I socked her knee high and skirt was low. If any bruises appeared they might not be in sight. It was relieving. The entire thing. What's the point? I thought. What's the point of being so good... what's the point in being so kind?
It didn't even bother me if the teachers somehow calls my house. Maybe Mamma would be a little sad. Or maybe she wouldn't. I found myself believing maybe I'd prefer if Mamma knows. Maybe she'll ask 'what's wrong?' maybe she'll ask what I've been at all these time. She'll see my bruises and caress them. Maybe she'll be upset that the world has hurt her baby. Maybe she'll weep. And I'll be beside her not knowing what to do. Then I'll tell her "dont worry, it's nothing". I found myself wanting her care.

When I got home the door was unlocked. Both of my parents were usually out. Surprisingly, not today. When Mumma saw me she lightly put aside my bangs to reveal the cut and said 'go take a shower'. She said nothing more. She never talked a lot. Only things that were needed to be said. Her scoldings were not talking to me and her apologiemyself'
Hong Kong sweet and sour pork. That was all she was. Pappa watched TV. He's always watching TV. He's the one who talked at dinner. And I'd chime in. Never mamma. A few comments here and there were all she spoke.
'nanako is hurt' I heard her say to Pappa when I was leaving to my room.
'how hurt?'
'cut on the right above the eye'
'is it serious'
'might be'
'I'll see it for myself'

The conversation ended there. I showered. Only when I was clean the cuts started to stink. Pappa did visit. He put a bunch of all the ointment there was. And put one of those kids' bandaids.
'Nanako'
'hmm?'
'dont get yourself in trouble'
'hmm'
'what hmm? answer me properly'
'what does mamma think?'
'Nanako?'
'hmm?'
'your mamma and I are two separate people, we may not be together all the time by your side. sometimes it'll be just me or sometimes it will be just your mamma,'
'hmm?'
'you need to understand these things now that you've grown up'
'hmm'
Pappa left after that. I couldn't sleep. One for the pain and two cause I simply could never sleep. I wrote to Yui that night again. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to get rid of this unnecessary guilt. I wanted it to stop suffocating me. Yui wasn’t there. I remember he never is ever there. Yui was my best friend, as close as he was, he was also... absent. Always distant. Someone else. Some stranger. After all that I read a book. Listened to some music and it was already 2 in the morning now. Now that I think- it's been over 24 hours now.
At breakfast, Pappa said to dress up. We were going on safari. And Mamma said 'wear something yellow. The one your pappa got for your birthday'. It was a pretty dress. It was also something very special. Later on, I found Mamma and Pappu too wore yellow. Pappa drove for hours and had put on his playlist for the entirety of the ride. And yet it wasn't so awful, it was almost nice.
The sun was up for a bit we were on the safari. We drove in one of its buses and Mamma screamed every time she saw just any animal get close. Pappa and I would usually laugh at that. Pappa loved animals. So did I. We took over the window seats and Mamma kept her eyes closed. Pappa and I would jokingly pull Mamma close to the window and she'd scream even harder. Pappa would start to sing some rural lingo lullaby and Mamma would call him 'the biggest idiot' and we'd have fun. We always had fun. Mamma always tagged along despite not liking and Pappa and I never knew where to stop. Mamma usually would permit Pappa to drink at their pub and then would drive us herself home. Mamma and Pappa always seemed to have everything figured out. But this time around Pappa didn't drink. We got to the car and Mamma took the wheel and asked if we should stop by somewhere for dinner. Pappa suggested it's the best.

'nanako?'
'hmm?'
'nanako, my baby?' this was Mamma.
'hmm, mamma?'
'baby your pappa and I are getting a divorce'

why? why tell me? now?

They were rambling about something, I didn't really care. I don't know why. I just couldn't.

'aren't you gonna ask me how I got the cut?'

They didn’t say anything. 'nanako-' Or maybe they did. I wouldn't know. I don't remember.