Suihei-sen no yōna bakura e

first love

Yui remembers his parents visiting only once or twice. He didn't care much for them, their approval or anything, but how far can you fake your disinterest in love?
I remember him saying his parents asked him what he wanted for his birthday and that they would be over for his birthday. They weren’t here solely for his birthday, but he'd like to think otherwise.
The day came and Yui got his game console. His parents were around and he did seem happy. When I put myself in his position I found not wanting my parents to not be apart from me. I thought 'I would not be handle it'. I've loved my parents. Maybe he did too. Or at least wanted to. It's only to.
Himi was the name of his sister. 6 years old it was Yui's second time seeing her after they last visited. They wanted Himi to be born in their country. Yui never mentioned Himi. He'd call himself 'almost an only child'. I've never seen Himi neither did I ever know anything about her. Maybe it's better that I didn’t.
It was only natural that Himi got everyone’s love. She was young, flawless, and lovable. Of course, she was loved. Maybe otosan picked her up but when Yui looks at his childhood he never saw him doing that or maybe when I found the video diaries otosan made never showed our interaction, it was always me and omma.
Otosan sonnani watashi ga kiraides ga?
I wouldn't know whose son I was. You never told me whose son I was. You call her your daughter. You never did that for me. So was I wrong to despise her? Was I wrong for my childish envy? If I was wrong, your negligence wasn’t? Is your heart so small? It can host love for only one of us? So why must I be wrong in wanting to take that place? Can't I aim for my righteous throne? Would I be wrong if I swore to destroy one you love so you may love me again? Wrong to love seeing her deceased, wrong to love the color of crimson. Would I be? I am only your son. Your one and only.

Yui said Himi was now hospitalized. Yui's father without any hesitation, sinlessly, in Yui's words 'neutralized' him.
"he hit me," Yui said with a smile, chuckling without any bitterness but what seemed almost out of admiration. "my father hit me for the first time"
"not that awful, you got the attention you needed"
"right!?"
There are times you gotta understand when you feed into insanity and when you don't. Yui didn't need me putting 'sense' into him at this point.
Yui's legs, not too hard to denote generally even in this ill-lit room but as I sat closer I could see it more clearly, were scratched. The toppest skin of his legs seemed to be scratched off and you'd look at his nails which not had dried blood but skin too stuck to them, it didn’t become too hard to connect. Yui fidgeted. The skin around his cuticles rarely got time to grow and they were always beaten up. Yui once sewed all of his cuticles from his five fingers together so he'd stop picking on them cause they had started to 'hurt in an unpleasing way'.

"Nana?"
"Yui..."
"are you scared?"
"moderately. Why?
"I'm scared"
The glass sliding doors were the entire wall and the moonlight and bits of light from the outside made the room lighted enough for me to see Yui almost clearly. He dug his face into his arms, and couped up on the side of his bed. I sat a bit far, against his desk. Yui didn't look up the entire time we were talking. Which did make it easier for me. I watched him weep, the entire time with no distraction. That's not far from what our phone calls used to be. Face to face Yui talked more than I did. He talked and I listened.

"Nana?"
"hmm?"
"do you still wanna go on living?"
Do I?
"I wanna run away. Not necessarily dead, that would be pointless-"
"this too is pointless" he cut me off.
"huh?"
"Nana, look... I'm young, aren’t I? I'm nice, I'm kind, I get good grades, I'm even good at soccer-"
"what are you getting"
"why do these happen to me?"
"Yui- these things that you're going  through, everyone-"
"everyone goes through shit. everyone got their own problems, I know it all so well. But it's getting so fucking hard... hard to care for others. What's the damn point"
I didn't know what to say. Or maybe I wanted him to make sense. To make an excuse for me.
"what's the point? We go on to live a miserable life, get a job we hate, marry someone we hate, bring kids we can't get ourselves to love, what's the point of living this life? Nana, what will happen if I die right here right now? People would shed some tears of fear that if I can die they can do but quickly enough they forget that my existence ever happened and they go on to live their life, so what's the fucking point? Remember Aki? If we talked every day why do I still join the lobby with other new friends and have fun rather than mourning him or something? You know why? Cause I don't fucking care. Grand he died I don't know what to do I got a calculus test tomorrow....thats same for everyone...What do I bring to this world if I live? What do I bring to this world if I die? How much do I really matter? Why can't I be selfish and give myself a deserved rest? I have to live for whom? Nana... if there was anyone or anything worth living for they would be here hiding knives under their mattresses so I don't kill myself"

Yui's talking nonsense... he always is..