mine mine number nine

nine

winona lola pov: 9:16 pm
- i truly have grown. i was a meek girl who dreamt quietly to herself. but then once i began winning awards for my paintings it was hard not to stand in the light. my paintings are my life, my heart, my soul. they are the reason i am still here.
maybe that's dramatic. but when i paint i have no expectations. i am not me anymore. i can shapeshift, like an octopus when they dream.
i can think anything into existence.
so this is what i needed. i needed to shut out the world for hours and just paint.
"mercy" is a piece about joe.
it's a girl alone underwater with blood around her.
i felt so humiliated. in that bathroom.
by my family. my friends. him.
he tried several times to talk to me and i did not want it. in his eyes i saw the horrified look on my parents face. i saw the bad decisions that led me there. but in his smile i knew i would be doing it all over again. joe and my brothers went out to do who knows what. so i leave my little cave and walk downstairs. my house is littered with photos of my friends, huge paintings, and small little plants. it's simple. mainly white, some wood accents. nice and clean. the plates are all the same, the cups are mainly all the same, everything is nice and neat. uniform. mood lighting everywhere since i hate big lights.

i look around my house and notice how ...
quiet. how soft. how me.
i really never thought i would get this far but here i am. pouring myself a soda and playing my vinyls as i waltz around my kitchen in a big shirt.
life doesn't get better than this.
and the rest of the week continues on like this. i begin to stay away from the boys as i leave my phone on do not disturb.
i ignore the world as i paint.
one after the other.
into the museum.
i eat when they sleep. i sleep when they eat. i become nocturnal. just to gain a piece of me back. i need to remember that i can come home to me.

always.
i look at my clock: 8:43 pm (thursday) feb. 13
i lay down to go to bed. my landline rings.
MY LANDLINE. i got one installed for when i go to hard on my m.i.a. for maddie to call me.
i pick up the phone.
"hey maddie, sorry." i twirl the wires.
"maddie?" josh asks.
i stand up straight, my eyes wide open.
"how'd you get this?"
"your brother."
"which one?"
...
"not relevant." he says.
nick. that fucker.
"what did you want?" i playfully ask.
"you've been ignoring me." he giggles.
like a little schoolboy. "i've been working actually." i jab.
now we're in a dance, together we begin creating our own world. what will he say next? i'm on my tippy toes.
...
...
"well, i don't know if you know. but tomorrow is valentine's day. i was hoping to take you out?"
woah.
valentines.
should i wear lingerie?

"yeah. i'll be ready when you want me."
"i like that a lot. let's go to the place on main street, with the cheesecake? you know?"
"ugh i loovveeee cloud" and i really do.
"perfect. 7:00 pm, i'll be there." he says. i can hear the smile in his voice.
it makes me giggle.
"cool."
"cool."

cool.
"what's cool?" joe asks as he opens my door.
"i gotta go, bye." i say quickly.
"wait who is-" i hang up on josh.
my back is to the wall as joe and i are on opposite sides of the room.
"so?" he asks. his eyebrow goes up.
"what?" i ask. a little meaner than i should have. he'll live.
"what's cool?"
"i'm going to dinner tomorrow with josh."
"on valentines?" he walks closer.
i can't tell what energy he's giving me? it's not desperate but it's not nonchalant either. he walks towards me like we're magnets.
his eyes, they're so hard to decode.
"can i get you for breakfast?" he asks.
"joe cmon. what is this?" i outright ask him.
...
he stares.
i stare back.
and i am done. i am done with this song and dance.
"can you get out, please?"
"you promised me the side of your king sized bed." he stiffly says.
"fine. but, don't talk anymore." i wave him off.
"fine." he says.

and now the energy is hostile. i know i could've been nicer but ... i don't want to do this with him. he's so in and out. i want someone who is ...
i want him.
but why doesn't he want me back? i stare at him as he gets into my bed. my face gets hot.
there's another universe out there where he's getting into bed to cuddle with me.
be with me.
happy with me.

and why can't i be in that universe?