perfect

am I?

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️
(this chapter contains anxiety and panic attacks)

it's been 3 days since the day of the party, it's Friday now. felice invited me over for a horror movie night with most of the kids that live at hillerska, Simon and his sister Sara are invited too. by the time it was dark and the movie was starting I walked into the room, the only place left was next to him. next to Simon.

I sit down and the movie starts playing, after a while Simon moves a bit closer to me, I can tell that he's  getting scared. we all get a jumpscare and some girls scream, I get so scared that I accidentally place my hand on Simon's hand, I move my hand quickly and think nothing of it. after some minutes he moves his hand closer to mine and rests his pinky and ring finger on mine, I looked at his hand and then at his face. he turns his head to me and slightly smiled.

I look away quickly and start hyperventilating, I get up and walk out of the room to a window that i know can be opened, i open the window slightly and sit down on the little stairs under it, with my knees nearly up to my head. I breathe in and out to calm myself down and to think about what just happened. without having the time to fully think I see Simon walking up to me, "what are you doing out here?" he says in a slightly confused tone. "nothing, just cramp in my little toe" I say. what a dumb thing to say, why did I say that. he laughs softly "I understand it's pretty cramped in there" I nod slightly while my mind starts wondering off. I'm staring at his lips while he's talking to me, his laugh is so beautiful. nothing like I've ever seen.

he moves closer to me and looks around him. after a minute or two he kisses me, right on my lips. my mind gets pulled back to reality and I look up into his eyes with Desire, confusion and shock. did he just kiss me? after a minute he kisses me again, he stops as he hears screaming out of the room a few meters back. I shake my head and say softly "I... I'm not". he takes a few steps back "I'm sorry I should go" he says while trying to step away. I look at his face again, grab his blouse and pull him closer and closer to me, he doesn't resist and gets closer to me again. our foreheads connect and we both look down to our feet hesitating to do anything. I start to move my jaw closer to his and he starts doing the same, before we know it, our lips attach to each other.

it feels like something from a movie, so soft, gentle, so peaceful yet so stressed and desperate. Simon's lips are soft and thick like butter out of a fridge, just not the cold, they are warm like lukewarm tea and taste like strawberry scented lipbalm. I slowly place my hands on his waist and pull him closer to my till he's right in between my legs. his waist is so small and petite, so nicely formed and rounded with so much care. his hands trace from my arms to my chest, to my neck and to my cheeks he cups them with both of his small hands, it feels so nice.

after a while we stop and slightly smile at eachother. we hear the movie stop and he sits down next to me "I think you should go to your dorm and let me alone here so they don't see us together here and think we've been herefor half the movie" he says laughing slightly. "your right" I say as I get up and start walking away. I turn around for one time and se ehim smiling at me, I walk back to him and give him one more small kiss before heading off to my dorm.

opening the door to my dorm is like opening the door to my thoughts, everything that happened this week gets back to me as I walk in and close the door behind me, I sit down on my bed and look at myself in the mirror, am i really gay? do I really like to kiss a boy? he's not gonna get accepted by my family or the monarchy.

am I?