A Bullet to the Heart, ₗₑₑ Fₑₗᵢₓ

15.

⇝ ⇝ ⇝ How does one avoid the person they love and forced to be in close proximity with?

I wanted to avoid Felix as much as possible to show him that whatever was happening between us wasn't...reciprocated. I was in a state of denial for a while, trying to convince myself that I didn't have any feelings for him. But as time passed, I couldn't ignore the fact that I had developed a liking for him. However, despite my feelings, I knew that pursuing a relationship with him was not a viable option for us. 

In light of that, I didn't leave my apartment to converse with him and I strictly only collected his cravings alone. I no longer entertained many conversations with him, but it was hard. I had never, in my life, found shutting someone down so hard before. Whenever I found myself in his presence, I had to make a conscious effort to avoid his piercing gaze. It was as if his eyes had the power to see right through me, to uncover every secret and insecurity I had been hiding. If I allowed myself to meet his gaze, I knew I would be powerless to resist him. So instead, I would avert my eyes, focusing on anything else in the room to distract myself from his intense presence.

Every day, he was persistent. Trying to make conversation with me, trying to make me laugh at his sudden clumsiness, and more importantly, he was acting cute. Every fibre of my being wanted to only pay attention to him and it was a problem. I got so worried about my feelings that you wouldn't even think that being a sniper was my job, on the inside, I felt like a scared 17-year-old.

Despite my issues with my feelings, and actively avoiding Felix, my job had been going well. The guy who car chased us was already locked away for endangerment on the road and illegally hiding weapons in his apartment. It never made it on the news because the government wanted to keep the protection of the members on the down low. I agreed it was the best way to go about things until we finished things with the dark web users.

Within the next few weeks, the members were due to have a few week's holiday after a show in Korea. I had plans open in the JYPE building which showed the blueprint of the concert's venue. It was capable of holding nearly 15,000 people. 

As the day wore on, I could feel the mounting pressure slowly but steadily seeping into my brain, like a thick, heavy fog that refused to lift. My thoughts became muddled and my focus began to waver, as though my mind was struggling to keep up with the demands being placed upon it. The stress felt palpable, almost tangible, and no matter how much I tried to shake it off, it seemed to cling to me like a heavyweight, dragging me down with each passing moment.

The room I was in was bare, and not used by anyone so I was using the space to come up with plans and communicate with Korean SEALS for the utmost protection for the members when they perform. I was writing down things of importance for the night they would perform when the door to the room opened.

I spotted a head of blonde hair, with a glistening forehead. Felix must've just stopped dancing and practising for a quick break as he normally does. One of those unique bottles in his hand. My body's automatic response to seeing him now was to take a deep breath and focus on something other than him. Work, the work in front of me and wait till he makes the first move.

"Hello," It was simple but it sounded heavenly after not hearing his voice this close and clear.

"Hello," I replied, trying to keep my response short.

"What are you doing?" He asked, leaning towards me to see what I was looking at.

"Looking at the blueprint of the concert venue," I told him, keeping my eyes strictly on the blue paper in front of me. My arms were leaning on the table, my back kind of hunched over the table.

The silence in the room lasted for what felt like an eternity. My heart was pounding in my chest as I waited anxiously for anything to break the stillness. Suddenly, I felt a cold touch on my chin, and my whole body tensed up in fear. I could feel my chin being lifted, and I realized that he was trying to get a better look at my face. The touch was so cold and unfamiliar that it made my skin crawl. We made eye contact, and the air felt heavy. The brown in his eyes was swirling with the light reflection, it was hard to miss how they looked at my lips.

As I felt the touch of his cold fingers on my chin, I instinctively backed away, my heart racing with a mix of fear and anticipation. But as I looked into his eyes, I saw something unexpected - a deep sadness and disappointment that seemed to go beyond the moment. His expression was unusually vulnerable, and for a moment, it made me forget about my fear and uncertainty. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but something held me back.

"What?" He whispered as he looked at me, the wrinkles on his forehead pulling his expression into something of anguish.

"Huh?" I instinctively let out.

"Why are you...pulling away?" He asked, his confusion clear along with his sadness. I couldn't understand.

"I..." I didn't know what to say to him, "Yongbok, to be perfectly clear with you-"

"Am I reading the situation wrong?" He asked quietly, his hands rubbing together in a form of anxiety.

"No," I say quickly because I wasn't ready to reject him yet, a part of me was...wanting to try.

"Then I'm confused," He shook his head with a small smile, "Do you not like me?"

"I do!" I say a little bit too quickly, "But I can't..."

"You can't?" He chuckled confused, "Why can't you?"

"Look Felix," I sighed and looked at the floor, "I can't like you. I don't...I'm not..."

"Gay?" He asked, and when I nodded and looked up, my heart stopped. His fingers were wiping at his wet cheeks.

"Felix-

"It's okay, I guess it can't be helped," He said with a sad smile and I had the nerve to punch myself in the face and try and reason with him.

"Felix-"

"Seriously it's okay-" He said as he turned his back and walked out of the room.

I sighed and closed my eyes to calm my mind and heartbeat down. The idea of liking a guy was something that I couldn't even fathom, let alone accept. It was as if I had built up a wall around myself, not allowing anyone to come too close. But then one day, I found myself feeling drawn to this particular man. As time went on, I realized that I had grown to like him more and more. However, the thought of telling him how I felt was terrifying. The fear of rejection and the amount of dangerous possibilities of tearing us apart was no doubt creating a shadow over any type of braveness I have.

Perhaps it was better this way for him - we would get over all the times we've spent together, the conversations we've had and the start of those bubbling feelings. He would move on and focus on his job and I would do the same. There are better people out there for him if he is patient with them like he has been with me. He won't be in danger any longer when I'm gone so he can roam around freely again, making friends and lovers. It was for the better. I couldn't be there for him.

But retirement sounded good in a few years. I was thinking a lot about it over the last few days. There's a good possibility I would be getting paid millions after this long mission - a good enough amount in my bank to retire. My father never retired; he was secretly loaded - buying houses in multiple countries even when we didn't live there was due to my father's money. I could retire at 29 and dedicate my life to something other than my work. These random feelings of domestic life with him made it seem so easy like I could quit tomorrow for him but there was something more. Could I build up some fucking courage and dedicate my life to a person?

Would it be good enough for him? Would I have to live in Korea? Was I ready for such a change? Would years of psychological therapy make me feel normal without work? Would we ever work out if I couldn't get over these feelings?

All of this is a mess.