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EDDIE'S BIG LIFT

SALLY: Well it's a showstopper of an idea, Julie, I'll give you that. But I just don't believe it's possible!

JULIE: No, it's true! I swear, I swear!

FRANK: Ohhh, what is it that you two are making a ruckus over this time...?

JULIE: Oh, hi, Frank! I thought you said you were going to spend a quiet morning organizing your bowties!

FRANK: [Dryly] How could anyone effectively organize anything with you two talking so loudly at one another?

SALLY: Our most monstrously marvelous Juliet here insists that the local mailman is enough of a powerhouse to lift every! Single! Neighbor! In the neighborhood!

FRANK: [With the tone of someone who's heard this before] Oh, Julie, not this again.

JULIE: It's true, it's true! Fraaaank, you've seen it too!

FRANK: Now, Eddie is... Fairly capable what with carrying all his packages and such around, but--

JULIE: [Loudly Interrupting] So you agree!!

FRANK: I did not say-- Julie, our neighborhood includes the likes of Barnaby and Home, no one could--

JULIE: [Triumphantly shouting] EDDIE! CAN! LIFT! A! HOOOUUUSSSEEE!!

FRANK: I give up.

SALLY: Well, I simply can't accept such a boast without proof.

JULIE: Oh, I can prove it! Look, here comes Eddie now! Watch this!

FRANK: What do you mean you can prove--

EDDIE: Mail call! I've got mail here fo-- oh no

JULIE: [Overlapping him, running off in his direction] EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE, CATCH ME! QUICK! CATCH ME!

[Sound of packages hitting the ground and Eddie going "oof!" as he catches Julie.]

JULIE: TA-DAA!! See? See??

SALLY: [Dismissively] That's hardly convincing.

FRANK: Yes, I could probably lift you if sufficiently motivated, Julie.

JULIE: [In the tone of a Woman Scorned] And yet you never play "throw-Julie-up-in-the-air-as-hard-as-you-can-and-see-where-she-lands" with me.

FRANK: [in the deadpan of Man Who Is Sick of This Conversation] We've talked about this!

SALLY: Well, I'm not convinced. [commanding; Director Mode] Mail-maaan~! Mailman! Center stage, man!

EDDIE: Uh, yes, ma'am--

SALLY: [Snapping her fingers] Up, man! Up! Lift! Higher now-- with your knees-- all the way up-- there!!

EDDIE: [Overlapping with Sally's directing] What, oh, uh-- yes ma'am!-- [Strained, lifting] oof-- here we go-- uhf-- alrighty-- hup!

[A little "ta-da!!" jingle plays to signify Sally being fully lifted.]

SALLY: Hm. Passable, I suppose. But I'm still not convinced.

JULIE: FRANK NEXT! FRANK NEXT!!

EDDIE: [chipper, Man On The Job] All right then!

FRANK: Don't you dare.

EDDIE: [Tone exactly the same, backing off] Wouldn't dream of it!

FRANK: Oh, look! Wally and Barnaby! Let's pay attention to them instead and leave me well alone!

BARNABY: What's all the commotion, fellas and fell-ettes?

WALLY: Hi, Julie. Hi, Sally. Hi, Frank. Hi, Eddie. What are you--

JULIE: [interrupting Wally mid-greetings; he keeps going underneath her dialogue] EDDIE! LIFT WALLY INSTEAD!

EDDIE: Oh, okay! Up we go, little buddy- hup!

WALLY: Oh, I'm up here now.

SALLY: [Scoffs] That's nothing! Wally weighs three apples soaking wet. Here, watch-- mailman, put him down.

EDDIE: Alrighty?

WALLY: I'm on the ground again.

SALLY: And hup!!

[Another "ta-da!!" to signify her lifting Wally.]

WALLY: Oh, and now I'm up again.

BARNABY: Life's sure got its ups and downs, eh, pal? [less performer-y inflection] Uhh, but seriously, Jules, what's this new game of yours?

JULIE: It's not a game! I'm proving to Sally that Eddie can lift everyone in the neighborhood!

BARNABY: Ohhh, why didn't you say so? Eddie, ya shoulda started with me. Seein' as I'm such a tiny li'l pooch and all.

EDDIE: [voice wavering, seeing the writing on the wall here] Uhh.

BARNABY: I mean, it wouldn't be much harder than liftin' a couple envelopes, huh? Pickin' up a li'l guy like me. It's hardly even worth showin' off at this point, when you've already managed guys so much bigger! But might as well just so you can say honestly you've managed the full collection, right?

EDDIE: [resigned to What's Happening] Okay. I figure I can... Yeah, yup, here we-- [grunt of effort] Hup-- all right-- little more--shoo--

[Big, forceful, weightlifter-style exhale as he gets Barnaby lifted; little "woah!" from Barnaby.]

JULIE: [overlapping others] YES!!

SALLY: [overlapping others, little applause] Oh!

FRANK: [overlapping others, accidentally being Genuinely Impressed a second] Oh my.

WALLY: [overlapping others] Oh, now Barnaby's up there.

[One solid beat. Then, sound of Eddie collapsing and taking Barnaby down with him, with a loud "OOF!" from both of them.]

BARNABY: Wow, uh-- I don't even got a joke for this one. That was impressive, Ed. You all right?

EDDIE: [out of breath, audibly Not Just Fine] Oh, yep, j-just peachy, Barnaby. Thanks for askin'.

SALLY: Well I still say it's only just passable. I'll bet I can do better. [theatrical] Barnaby! Get over here! I'll bet you I can lift you over my head!!

BARNABY: [in the tone of a man who wants to see how this plays out] Yeah, all right.

FRANK: [sternly] NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. I'm ending this right now!

JULIE: Oooh, let's go see if Eddie can lift Poppy and Howdy next! We can save Home for the big finish!!

SALLY: Not if I can lift them first!!

BARNABY: Well, I know what I'm doin' with the rest of my day. C'mon, li'l buddy, let's catch this show!

WALLY: Eddie's going to lift up Home? That's the most. We can go to Howdy's together and Home can pick out his own hot dog.

EDDIE: [Still out of breath and flat on the ground] Y-y'all go on ahead! I'll catch up!!

[Long beat. Just Eddie and Frank are left.]

FRANK: [Frank looks down at him, rotating his head a bit as if to shake it.] You always did work too hard.

EDDIE: Wha? Huh?

FRANK: I'm going inside. Enjoy the ground, Mr. Dear.

EDDIE: Alrighty! S-say, uh, before you go, any chance I could get a hand gettin' up-- [door closing sound] oh, you're gone. That's fine! I'll, uh, get to pickin' myself up... before the cows come home, heh-heh.