𝐏𝐎𝐄𝐌𝐒 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐃

wrong loveletter

i don't know why my heart hurts so much
because this isn't the first time i've been here
yet the pain keeps on being so new
like an old friend that hugs you after some time

i can't breathe properly and the beat of my heart stays irregular
i don't know what to do to be good enough for you
if i ever was good enough

you told me i had pretty eyes
i remember the way your voice sounded when you said i have a nice smile
the way you like my geeky side and how cute and sweet i get whenever you feel like being silly

there was a smile in your voice when you told me i look stunning in everything
and i could hear the bliss in your tone when you fell asleep to my voice

was i good enough whenever you used to call me?
was i interesting enough whenever you decided to text me?
was i ever an option in your head?

a second choice?
did someone new come into my place and were you just entertaining yourself for whenever you were bored?
am i the mistake?
did i do something wrong?

these questions wrap around me like a chain and they continue to squeeze me until i can't breathe

i wake up tired and the light that greets my face is the one from my phone
just to see if you texted me

i'm not happy
and i change myself to your suitable eyes to feel validated
i'm just falling in love, yet i'm losing myself
and i just don't know if i'm the problem in this situation

i don't know where i fucked up or lost the sparkle of interest you had in me
that sparkle made me feel alive and i hate you for giving it to me and taking it away

my eyes droop every night and my lids beg to be closed
yet i fight with sleep just in case you'd call me again
because i don't want to miss the opportunity of talking to you

and even when i'm asleep
i meet you there in my dreams
love and hate course through me because you're not that version of yourself when i wake up

i just want you back

i want this pain to be worth it in the end
yet i fear it won't be