In the Moshpit - Joost Klein

5.

I downed shot after shot of straight liquor. It was burning my throat to the point where it all almost came up again but I forced it down. The alcohol needed to have an immediate response in my body. I seriously was just tired of everyones bullshit. I felt like a rag doll being thrown around with.

I was never in charge of anything. Actually the only part that I was in charge of was my song but that was apparently not something I was supposed to focus on at Eurovision.

I was hiding in a dark corner away from all the other artists. I felt bad for doing this. I hated approaching people so I always let them come to me so I knew they actually had a reason to talk to me. I was observing the others having fun and partying to the music.

I ordered another shot, and then one more, and then one after that. The liquor was finally starting to have an effect on my body and I loved it. It numbed everything. It made all the thoughts become silent. All there was was a buzz. The only buzz that kept me sane.

Suddenly all the artists went to the railing of the balcony. Everyone started screaming for the person performing. I wasn't able to see from where I was sitting. There were two reasons why I wasn't able to see:

It was very far away from where I was sitting in the corner

I was getting drunk which meant my vision was getting a bit blurry

I walked towards the railing with a drink that had "magically" appeared in my hand. I pushed through a lot of people to see. The moment I got to see the stage something blue was on it.

"Who is performing?" I asked the person next to me. I had no idea who the person was and the alcohol in my system made me not care if they wouldn't answer me back.

"Joost Klein. I saw you were talking with him earlier" He said. He was tall with dirty blond curls. He was wearing this silver thing across his nose. It looked so different and I couldn't stop my hand from slowly moving it towards the jewellery.

I guess he noticed where he was going so he bent down a little bit so I could touch it. The jewellery was very smooth. "It looks very pretty" I smiled at the tall man.

"Well you look very pretty yourself" he smiled back. "I'm Silvester. I loved your performance"

"Oh ... .thanks" I turned towards the stage again. He loved the little performance I did with Bojan. He was another man who just loved the flirting and drama, not the actual song.

I watched the scene as Joost was performing. I couldn't really see or hear him from the buzz in my head. Everyone in the crowd and the artists were singing along and dancing. I took another sip of my drink and somehow it was already empty.

I walked away from the balcony and towards the bar again. I needed another drink. I needed people to understand that I was more than just someone who obeyed every man that spoke to her.

I took a seat back in the booth against the wall where I sat earlier. Now with another drink and a shot next to it. I actually normally didn't drink this much but right now it seemed like the only way to silence my thoughts.

Back in the days I would have sniffed a line of coke and then pop a good amount of pill to the point where I would first realise where I was a few days later. Those times were some of the best and worst times of my life.

I mean every thought turned into butterflies as the powder hit my nose. Everyone started acting so much nicer when the pill hit my throat. I would forget everything and it would all be fine.

At that moment I didn't think about how bad the parts afterwards were gonna be. All I thought about was the good parts, the ones that made you feel so alive that you were basically dead.