The boys angst

12. Eddie x Josh 💔

This chapter involves coarse language and toxic relationships, sorry for not posting in a while, I had a girlboss episode in a bad way, but I'm all good.

Sorry if this chapter isn't up to your standards, I haven't locked in yet.

Josh's POV

I had just gotten off a call with the Boys an hour ago, we made a reading fanfics part 4? 5? I don't fucking know. It was fun. Awful. Fucking awful, but fun.

It wasn't so bad, because I ended up being able to confirm something that I had been fighting myself on for a while. That being my feelings for Eddie.

He had been flirting with me for quite some time, and the only problem I had with that was he did so often that I started to think he was serious, and that's when I started to like him, thinking he liked me back.

So I told him. I told him I liked him.

That was my mistake.

"Listen dawg, I love you, but I don't love you. You know?" He said, the expression he was wearing was sympathetic, and I was kind of thankful for that, a little bit of pity never hurt anyone.

"I guess, yeah." I mumbled, and Eddie smiled.

"I'm glad you understand Josh." He said, patting my shoulder before walking away.

"I don't." I said, and he stopped and turned around, looking confused.

"You don't what?" He asked, and I turned around so that we were facing each other.

"I don't understand. You said 'I'm glad you understand' but I don't." I explained, and the confusion on his face only grew more intense.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, and if his facial expression didn't say enough about his confusion, his tone of voice made it impossible to miss.

"I mean I know, but I don't understand. You know?" I tried to explain, but what came out of my mouth even confused me, so I didn't expect Eddie to understand, so I continued my explanation, since Eddie stayed silent.

"I know that you don't love me back, but I don't understand why you acted like you did.

"What do you mean by that?" He questioned, the confusion in his tone only a little less obvious.

"It means I knew you didn't love me, but you acted like you did. You lead me on, you flirted with me, you blushed when I flirted back, you made me fall in love with you but I knew you didn't love me back. I don't understand why you lead me on. I don't understand why you-

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I get that I lead you on, I knew what I was doing, it was stupid, but I wanted to see how far I could take it. I went too far, I'm sorry." Eddie explained, he looked upset, but with how he was talking, I knew he wasn't upset at me. I knew he was upset at himself.

"Then why?" I asked, looking at the ground.

"Because I thought I did love you that way Josh." He said, his words made me look up, confused.

"What...?" I paused, and he started to explain what he meant.

"Listen, I thought I loved you, like more than friends, I wasn't leading you on, I thought I meant what I was saying but-

"Get to the point Eddie, what's going on? Do you love me or not?!" The last few words came out as a shout, and he flinched. I think he flinched because he felt bad that he was the reason I was so worked up.

"I- I met someone, a girl. Gabby- She made me know I wasn't gay, I love her Josh. I'm sorry." He said, most of his sentence only just over a whisper.

"You don't have to be sorry for loving someone Eddie. You just have to be sorry for making someone else love you when you didn't feel the same way." I snorted, walking out of the room.

I didn't want to hear his explanation. I didn't want to hear his apology. I didn't want to hear his voice. I wanted him out of my head.

That was years ago. We are still friends, and we always will be, and I'm really glad that the argument we had that day didn't effect our friendship, but I wish it could have made the relationship into something else.

"I still love him." Was the thought that ran through my mind as Gabby stood in the most gorgeous wedding dress I have ever seen, holding Eddie's hands in hers as she cried, listening to the vows Eddie spent less than 10 minutes making.

That same thought stayed in my mind for a long time. Those four stupid words that meant everything to me, and the three words I wish I never said to him.

I never wished anything bad upon Eddie or Gabby in their relationship, I really thought they were meant to be together, and I loved seeing how happy  he was when he was with her.

I never wished it was me in her shoes either. How I felt, my emotions and everything, were all very confusing to me. Since they were so confusing, I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because I couldn't put it into words, so I kind of just tried to deal with it alone, but that didn't work. At all.

I ended up finding myself in loveless relationships, I gave my everything to them, and they never returned it, and I was okay with that. They left, they moved on, I didn't.

Then I found another relationship that was just as loveless. I hadn't recovered from the last break up, but I went into another relationship anyway.

That went on for a while before I developed severe depression, and I lost myself. Everything about myself. Who I was, what I wanted out of life, I just felt like I had no purpose.

I gave up on love. All I could think was that it gave up on me a long time ago, I was just returning the favour.

I was a mess, and I was alone, and that's how I would die, and for some reason, some stupid stupid reason, I was okay with it.