Never

16. Alone on a roof

Izuku's POV

          It was the worst day of my life. No, scratch that. All things considered it was just a normal day for me, the same despair, the same loneliness as usual, simply a bit fiercer.

          Waking before dawn, before everyone, to avoid getting hit, quietly staying put in a corner, without bothering anyone, while everyone were eating and preparing for the day, doing my best to help in cooking, dressing the table and serving the breakfast, then cleaning the table and washing the dishes, all the while being hit because I wasn't fast enough or were making mistakes. 

          Running to school, since I left long after everyone but didn't have any money to pay for transports, and being punished before the whole class by the teacher because I didn't run fast enough and arrived late, bothering everyone. Eating a piece of rancid bread, because I wasn't worth the money and efforts necessary for making a real meal, while hoping that no-one would come attack me. Then going back to class, making myself as small as possible at the back of the room, finding a bit of solace in my hero analysis notebooks.

            A new heroine debuted today, but since I was already late I was only able to see her from afar, briefly, while the arrest was already finished and she was talking to journalists. Pity, I hope that the video will be on public screens. Or maybe that I'll be able to spend some time at the library on a computer today... no, they never let Whites touching the computers, its already really nice of them to let me in from time to time.

          In short, this day started like any other day of school. Until our homeroom teacher told everyone that I wanted to attend UA.

          Unsurprisingly, everyone bursted in laughter, and Katchan just bursted. He threatened me, added some new burns on my uniform already tattered, then stayed behind at the end of class to get his point across.

Incapable

Quirkless

Murderer

Coward

You think a useless White like you can become a hero ? Know your place Deku.

Your fault

You should take a swan dive from the roof and pray for a quirk in your next life !

          I gulped, struggling to get rid of all these words hunting me, all these voices yelling at me. But they were right. Katchan was right. I truly was worthless, I will never be able to become a hero. All I could do was putting others in danger. Even All Might said so...

          He saved me from a sludge vilain who tried to steal my body, but I fainted and forced him to wait for me to wake up to be able to get going. Then, as he was jumping to leave, I held onto his leg, which forced him to land on a roof. Worse yet, I discovered his most well guarded secret, and made him lose what little time he had left to use his quirk, which also gave his wound an occasion to act up, having him spitting blood. It was my fault, completely my fault, I was weak and bothered everyone, he was right.

I'm sorry my boy. Once upon a time I too thought that with the heart of a true hero and some hard work, anyone could become a hero, if only a night-time hero or a sidekick. But life proved me wrong. Anyone bellow a three-bands could only hinder everyone else's work and uselessly put themselves in danger. It's great to have dreams, but you also have to be realistic. If you want to help people you could be a doctor or policeman. People say that they only collect our catch, but it's a good job.

          I angrily wipe my tears, alone on the roof where he left me, some long minutes ago. He was right, I knew it, everyone always told me so but I always refused to hear it. Maybe because I already knew it too. Or maybe because I felt like giving up on this dream would be betraying my mother one last time.

          The wind was blowing in my too long hair. I stared at the void at the tip of my toes, vaguely wondering when I got so close to the edge of the roof, a part of my brain telling me it wasn't a good idea, but I was too tired, too weary of everything to react.

          I contemplated the void, analyzing my options. 

          Why dying ? I could finally be in peace and see my mother again. Why not living ? To stop bothering everyone, to free the orphanage from a useless mouth to feed, that no-one will ever want to adopt, to stop being hungry, sleeping on a cold, hard ground, being abused and ridiculed by everyone. 

          Why living ? No reason, really. Why not dying ? It would be betraying my promise to my mother.

I'm sorry Izuku, I couldn't protect you. Smile my hero, know that I love you, and that I will always love you. Follow your dreams, keep your radiant smile and your golden heart, and become the best hero ever, okay my Mighty Junior ? Promise me you will never give up — cough cough — on your dreams.

Sorry mom. I tried, really, but in the end I would never have been able to become a hero, for anyone.

          I put a foot in the void, eyes closed. I still hopped that Katchan wouldn't blame himself for my death, but truly, he could never have become a true hero with me around. Me simply existing was a source of never ending anger, hate and suffering for him.

          Something deep in my mind moved. I was used to it since a few years ago. If I listened really attentively it sounded like the echo of a voice, telling me to keep smiling and keep my head up, that one day everything would get better and that I finally would find my place in this world. I think it was the voice of my dying childish optimism, it's been a long time since my normal mind didn't have such a thought.

Sorry baby me, little voice of hope, but you are wrong. And even if, by some miracle, someone were to accept me, I would only be a dead weight to them, a useless mouth to feed.

          I fell in the void. The little voice struggled stronger than ever, and suddenly everything flipped upside-down. The void violently pushed me back, and fell on top of me, crushing me against the tar of the roof I had hoped to leave.

?? : Are you alright ? Please, I promise to let you jump next time if you still want to, I was on the same roof not so long ago, but first lets talk about your reasons ok ? Please, I swear that it can help you !

Me : Can't... breath...

?? : Ah ! Sorry !

           The weight that was crushing me disappeared and I took a big gulp of air. Still a bit dazed, I opened my eyes, and dived into two black ones, shinning with a subtle red light.