What Can I Do? (renee rapp x reader)

Re(neé)currence (Part Four)

Patterns

Renee's POV

I don't understand how she doesn't realize. How oblivious she is. It was fine when she was nineteen but god, still, now? Really? I would have expected her to have changed at one point. Have had her realize that she didn't need to do this kind of shit. She didn't even have to be mean about it, just firm. I'm not even all that convinced the girl likes boys anyways. And it infuriates me that she entertains them, and unjustly, it makes me hate whoever is doing the flirting.

And yet...I'm staring at her. Regardless of the boiling frustration fermenting in my stomach, I can't stop looking at her. Like a moth to a flame, I'm always drawn to the light that is Y/N L/N. The creases in her face that appear when she genuinely smiles, little lines that I knew like the back of my hand, that I had traced only a few nights before. The melody of her voice which seemed to hang in the air like the scent of a cartoon pie, the notes swimming in my ear like a chirping bird. Her laugh and especially her giggles that seemed to fall out of her perfect pink lips in an almost rhythmic sequence made my fists clench in utter admiration. Her hands, nimble fingers playing with strands of her beautiful hair in a way that made me wish those hands were in my hair. She was the kind of girl who almost made me want to get married if only to have a day completely dedicated to the celebration of our love.

God, I need to slow down.

I wasn't in love with her already was I? Again? Because she definitely wasn't. For Christ's sake we weren't even dating yet. Sure we hung out and we kissed but we were almost back to that time of being immature nineteen years old again, dancing around our feelings. I had no right to ask her to stop giving Chris a time of day, had no right to get jealous and definitely had no right to think about fucking marrying her. I needed to chill the fuck out. But for some reason I found myself just getting angrier and angrier, balling up my fists until the nails dug into my skin. I need to get out of here. I think as I make my way to my trailer. I splash water in my face as I softly hear the mumbles of the crew who was shooting yet another scene with Angourie. I look at myself in the mirror and I can't help but not like who was staring back. Anger seemed to seep into my eyes and pull them down until I had gaping eyebags. And even though I can think all I want and pretend all I want, I know what's really causing this. This loss of color. This irritability. And it wasn't Y/N. I look over to an uneaten wrapped up sweetgreen salad and my stomach lurches at the sight. I simply just grab a blanket despite it being hot as fuck outside and curl up in my couch.

Before I can even start to doze off, the door of my trailer is carefully opened and before she even speaks, I know who it is. Just based on her inherent gentleness to everything related to me I know it's her. And guilt starts tangling itself in between my external organs, clenching hard as her beautiful face came into view. Who was I to judge her when I was the one with run-down makeup, curled up in a blanket mess? She sits down on the floor, putting her head back onto the other end of the couch so that her face is turning to see me and I am again so close to her. Just like I've been countless times in the past weeks and yet it feels different. It feels like I'm staring at a ghost, someone intangible, someone who no matter how far I reach out to touch her, my hand will go right through her. Her face is like a badly stitched cloth, her eyebrows furrowed into the middle of her face and her face tugging into a worried frown. She knows something is wrong, she always does. But I won't tell her what. What it really is. What makes me get up in the middle of the night to just stare and cry in the mirror. What makes me smile just a little too hard when people ask me if I'm okay. What makes tears threaten to breach my eyes of I so much as speak.

Instead I'm a coward.

Instead I snap at her.

"Do you always flirt with guys in front of people you're seeing or am I just the luckiest girl in the world?" I sarcastically ask, venom lacing my words which causes her to jolt up in surprise.

"I wasn't flirting with anyone." She answers calmly, even though her expression has slowly started to twist. "Chris was barely even flirting with me, and I wasn't flirting back."

"So? You didn't shut it down so you were practically flirting with him anyways." I spit out, sitting up and turning my body away from her as I hug my chest by wrapping my arms around myself.

"Reneé-" She begins, putting her hand on my shoulder until I shrug it off and she withdraws her touch.

"No I get it! We're not dating so why the fuck should I care?" I raise my voice at her, still completely facing away.

"Reneé, you and I both know that's not true. You know I struggle with shit like this!" She protests, begging me with her tone of voice to turn around but I don't.

"Yeah but I struggle with seeing you like that! It makes me so fucking angry." I finally whip around to face her and her expression breaks my heart. She looks startled, confused and maybe even scared. I reach out to touch her face and she melts into my hand, her warm cheek pressing against my cold skin.

"I'm sorry Clyde.." I begin but she stops me.

"No it's fine you communicate these things with me. Seriously. It's just- difficult for me. I've always just let people do whatever they want with me so that I can keep everyone happy. But I can't keep doing that if it's starting to hurt someone I truly care about." She mumbles softly, her beautiful face crumpling and so I pull her in to hug her.

"Still, I should have been kinder about it. I just- there's a lot going on right now and I'm very stressed." I murmurs, rather cryptically, and she hugs me tighter. "But that's no excuse to take it out on you. I guess I just hoped you'd leave. But I should have known better." I laugh and she lets out a little giggle. "I know you struggle with setting those kinds of boundaries and I promise I'll make sure that we fix this together, okay?" I say, pulling away from her and staring at her beautifully soft cheeks tinted with blush.

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A/N: AAAA I'M BACK you thought I had given up on you guys? Never! Anyways, almost a month later, here is a new chapter to kind of set the stage for things yet to come muahahahahaha. 

Sorry I took so long, I've been struggling with finals and with ya know maybe being a lesbian! Things are just! Yeah! Anyways here you go babies!!