if she talks

I'd lie

maybe you're sitting there
with little sun rays from your window
it's not dark but it's not bright either
there on your desk lies the papers
where you always do your maths.

but this afternoon you write instead
unspecific sentence but mixed of words
with a bunch of question marks
on why do I do these things

you reach me out
maybe try to get some answers
but you're unable to deliver
what you're meaning to ask
so you say things that don't matter to me instead
it's alright i just wanted to talk
you think in your head

there's not much space left on your papers
cause you put too much letters
but none of it make one real question
maybe you just don't really know what to ask
or you don't understand what to feel

but the clock is ticking
it's almost time to go to class.
i might just text later
you thought you wanted
but you didn't
maybe you forgot
like you always do

you hold onto it
spent a week on the same desk
more and more papers were piling up
but it wasn't for the maths
it was for the questions you still didn't know
how to put up

never mind, you thought
but you jumped up when there's a chance
you'd make me talk, you were sure this time
but I didn't reach back
and you never know what happened
or what you did wrong.

so you decide to ignore
any sign of me make you kinda mad now
what you don't know is:
is it me that you try to brush off
or the feelings that have been filling up your heart

the happiness
the sadness
things that only occur when we talk
or when you hear my voice

and I've been lying these past few days.
what I do is not what I wanted
but I put more make up on cause I've cried last night
said I'm good but I'm not

I'd lie for God knows how many more times
if it makes me feel numb when I'm actually hurt

no it's not you
so you don't have to worry

but my dear sweetheart, my lovely one
I can't keep staying
I can't keep trying
and I can't keep loving
because I'm losing parts of me when I keep going

no it's not you
you don't have to worry

you can't keep me even if you want to
you can't love me even if you try to
because I'm not whole.
and you can't love when you're not whole either.
what is love anyway?

so I guess this time you should let me go.
you can't get me as how you wanted.
and I don't wanna lose the part of me that's left.

I don't think this could work.
even if you hold on to it for many more years.

you've been good before I loved you.
you'll be fine in no time.

Friday, 17 May 2024
21:21