if she talks

what I couldn't do

I never thought we'd be in this phase.
My last-year self wouldn't have thought that
I'd have to pass through this all over again
with a different person.
You.

I never wanted any of this—
not this situation where I have to deny my feelings
to keep you by my side,
not this feeling of loving you but still not being able to have you,
not this way of holding every feeling in to not mess things up.

I never intended to be like this.
All I wanted was to make love
and to try to work it out,
no matter how far away you are.

I never prepared myself for this kind
of roller coaster of emotions
when I started to fall for you.

I guess maybe you had a hunch
of me falling when you first flirted with me.
Maybe you saw the possibility
of the situationship we were going to create.

Or maybe not.

I loved you first, and
I was the one who wanted us.
I was the one who planned
for you to fall for me too
without ever seeing eye to eye.
You were harmless,
clean, and easy to love.

You seemed too soft to act evil.
Your heart was easy to take—
just one touch and you fell,
just one smile and you melted,
just one push and then you were

trapped.

I don't know if the trap was part of the plan,
but keeping you by my side was.
Because I was lonely and bored,
and I found comfort in you.

You were not the kindest.
You were not the warmest.
You were the hardest one yet
to open up and give in.
But somehow, that's why I wanted more of you.

Oh, what a paradox—
to want something uncertain
to fill the void.

Over time, your skin was peeled away, layer by layer.
It took something big out of you
every time you had to cut off one layer
to show me the part you kept closed,
to jump out of your own safe place,
to show me vulnerability.

It was like you were addicted to it.
You didn't want to stop, even though you knew
the more you opened, the more it hurt you.
Because you knew you could always use
the medicine I had within me.
You were always fine after you took my love.

Months went by.
We were happy and loving.
We were there to listen.
I believe we smiled the brightest when we had each other's backs—
just knowing that someone would be on your side
when everyone else turned away.

For a moment, it felt like love,
no matter if it was made out of something we didn't understand yet.

You and I were like a wound and a band-aid.
But little did I know, we couldn't stretch ourselves
to be a wider band-aid every time the wound grew bigger.

We thought we were healing each other's scars.
We thought we were filling each other's voids.
But neither of us was actually enough to fill it.
Instead, we opened up new ones.

The longer we stayed, the tighter we were tied.
I don't know if the tying was part of the plan.
But then came the day where
I only wanted you to be there
to hug me when I felt like falling apart.

And then came the day where
you couldn't hold your pain any longer
every time you peeled another layer off,
no matter how much I loved you to make it better.

It was like the bomb finally blew up.
We got to the point where the only sound we made was deafening silence.
Anger was all over the place.
My tears couldn't care to fall anymore because my eyes were dried out.
You spent days thinking,
with guilt that followed after you heard my cries.

You never wanted any of this.
All you wanted to do was to make us better.
You never intended to make me cry,
let alone hurt me.
You didn't know that seeing me hurting
turned out to hurt you too.

We were lost.

I never knew things could get so complicated
once you had fallen into me.
The mess of the strings in your head.
The fire in your heart that lit up when you were scared.
The panic in your stomach when butterflies were flying.

And we tried once to fix it.
And then we tried again.
And again.
And again.

Until we were left with nothing.
Our days went back to being empty.
Our stories are now untold.
We only miss each other and do nothing about it,
letting the feelings fade away
without ever seeing eye to eye.

You said, "Let's try better when we meet again."
And then you said, "I've moved on," when my feelings were still the same.
And then you said, "I'll never come to put a ring on your finger."
I still don't know which one was true.

I never could understand how you felt.
I never could understand the things you told me.
I never could understand the way you acted.
I never could understand the way your mind worked.

Maybe you found comfort in some kind of paradox too.
Maybe you were saving yourself from losing yourself in me.
Maybe you were trying to save me from losing myself in you.

One thing I knew I could do was make you fall for me.
But the one thing I couldn't do was to let go of you.

Oh crap, I forgot how to unlove somebody.

And God knows how much I hate myself for knowing
I would still say yes if you'd come back to me
and ask me to run away.

I don't know why I feel this way.
I don't understand the way my mind works too.

I just want you to know what's been in my head
ever since the day I talked to you,
and that I never regret anything about you.

Because even if it was only for a while,
I got to tell myself, "So this is how it feels to be loved,"
when you hugged me when things got hard,
when you held me to calm my fears,
when you tried your best to just be there for me.
Whatever you called it, I felt loved.

And if it's gone now,
it's okay.
It will be okay.

19 November 2024
21:29.
📍on the train home.