Matt Sturniolo ☹️❤️

Im Sorry

TW: mention of self-harm, mention of ED, self harm, scars
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Matt's POV:
   I'm so exhausted, every day is the same. Wake up, eat, shower , film a video, and sleep but lately all i've been doing is sleep. It feels like a never ending loop.

   I've woken up countless times tonight- and here I am awake again at 4:34am. Nick and Chris are beside me, both asleep.

  What if I just make a quick trip to the bathroom? The thought keeps consuming me.

  One quick trip won't hurt right?

  I'm so mentally exhausted, I stare up at the ceiling contemplating on what to do. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I don't want to do anything anymore, I have no energy to do anything anymore. What's the point of anything?

  I hate my body, my weight (Matt's body is perfect, this is just for the story 😞) . Every time I step on the scale I regret everything. This is something I haven't told anybody and I plan not to, how I read the calories of everything, feeling guilty after I eat.

  The urge is bad, one cut won't hurt right? I just need to feel something, and I know Nick and Chris will take my blades away in the morning.

Finally, I made a choice and slipped out of the bed to the bathroom, quietly shut the door and slid down the wall.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, quickly taking off the case and holding the blade in my hands.

I can't fucking do this, why is life like this? I begin overthinking and get in my head. Dying is better than being in this shit hole, life has no meaning does it? All I wanna do is cry, if I was dead I wouldn't have to feel this way, right?

I hold the blade with my shakey hand and drag it across my thigh, leaning my head back in relief.

• Pain in the body quiets the pain in the head •

I watch the droplets of blood stream down my thigh.
"One more" I kept repeating to myself, until my entire thigh was littered in cuts. Blood was now streaming down my legs.
"Fuck" I mutter under my breath, I went deeper than usual and it won't stop bleeding.

After 15 minutes of holding toilet paper to my thigh, the blood almost stopped flowing.

I slowly got up, my eyes filled with tears. My heart feels so heavy, i'm filled with anxiety. All I wanna do is cry.

I slowly open the door in my room, limping as I enter, only to see Nick and Chris staring at me.

I broke.

Tears were falling faster than ever, I fell to the ground.
"IM SORRY IM SORRY PLEASE" I yell out in choked sobs.
"PLEASE I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT" Chris and Nick are now running up to me, embracing me in their arms.
"i-i didn't sorry please i-i" I'm so tired.
"Matt, what happened show me, it's gonna be okay? I love you" Nick says, his eyes glossy.
"Hey, don't be sorry it's okay Matt" Chris says, in a comforting tone.
"I-I just needed to feel something I didn't mean it please don't" I barely can talk through the sobs.

Chris and Nick calm me down for the next few minutes.

"Matt, did you...?" Chris asks me, he looks scared to hear the answer.
I stare at him, emotionless in response.
"Are they on your thigh?" Chris asks me.
I nod in response, Chris takes me to the bathroom and gently cleans my cuts.

I take off my sweats, I can see Chris's heart drops as my cuts are revealed. God I feel so guilty for putting my brothers through this, they don't deserve this.
He makes sure not to be too rough and carefully bandages them up.

We all head to my room and this time, Chris and Nick held onto me tight as we drifted off to sleep.

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hope you guys like this chapter, sorry it's short.
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