Calming the Storm

Kabanata 4

"This is nothing," napapaos kong sabi.

He did not listen. He cursed and held my jaw. Hinayaan ko siyang tingnan ako, hawakan ako. I looked at him with hot tears pooling in my eyes. He aggressively opened the first buttons of my uniform, revealing the subtle mark on my neck and some bruises on my chest.

"Tangina," galit niyang sambit at patuloy na binuksan ang butones ko hanggang mahubad niya ang pang itaas ko.

I did not protest. I let him see me wholly.

Iniwas ko ang mata ko at bahagyang niyakap ang sarili.

"What happened?" The rage in his voice is different, like he was so ready to kill anyone who did this.

And it hurt my heart more.

"Ramiel, forget it. I moved on."

"Wala 'yan nang hinatid kita sainyo, Audra! You think I will think clearly when I saw you with bruises!? And now with this amount of bruises?"

Nilunok ko ang luha ko at sinuot muli ang pang itaas na uniporme pero nanghihina para isa isahin ang butones.

"It doesn't matter now."

"Fuck it! Tell me the name and I will fucking make sure whoever that is will rot in the deepest part of hell."

"Don't meddle with my problem, Ramiel. It is not for you to carry."

Tiim bagang at madilim ang tingin niya sa akin. Walang sabi sabi na naglakad siya papunta sa akin at hinila ako para ibagsak sa dibdib niya.

Nanlaki ang mata ko at sinubukan makawala sa yakap niya. "Ramiel!"

"You must be scared..." nahihirapan niyang usal.

Nanghina ako para itulak siya. Para iyong gatilyo sa akin. Nanggilid ang luha ko na pilit kong nilulunok kanina. Nag unahan ito bumagsak at nanginig ang aking balikat.

It waved back. The fear I suppressed with faux bravery. The acceptance of violence due to constraints of hope.

I'm scared. I'm still scared.

I did not lie when I said I had moved on. I'm trying to. I want to believe that I am. I don't want to live with that memory. I only have a few little hopes that light up my will to live. Keeping this nightmare will just blow my small flame of hope.

I chose to forget what happened, but having someone get worried and embrace me for what happened envelops my heart with softness.

I tried to keep it to myself like usual, but he climbed the wall I built for myself.

I heard him curse. "I'm here."

"Ramiel..." ani ko sa gitna ng hikbi ko. Ilang ulit ko sinambit ang pangalan niya na tila nagsusumbong.

"I thought...I thought I couldn't save myself!"

His hug went tighter. He sighed deeply. "You did. You did well."

Ilang minuto niya ako inalo. Mahigpit ang yakap at himas himas ang aking buhok. It soothes me. It made my tears stop falling.

"I'm sorry. Nabasa ang damit mo. Ikaw kasi! You made me cry!" ani ko at humiwalay sakaniya. I can still feel his big and warm hands holding my small waist.

He eyed me with caution. "You're not going back to that house."

"Hindi na talaga!" agap ko pero agad din natuptop ang labi. I just indirectly confirmed that something really happened in that house!

He got it. I know he is getting the idea. Not concrete but at least conceptual.

Tinulungan niya ako sa pagsarado ng mga butones na tinanggal niya. Ngayon palang ako dinapuan ng hiya! He saw me with just my bra. He is not even bothered with my body! Ganoon siya kasanay sa mga babae at hindi man lang nabibigla sa nakikita?