WARHAVEN

Sixty-Five

(this chapter does have self harm, i know i said i wouldn't warn, but it's pretty intense🖤)

The next few months were packed with meetings. There were meetings for color palette, wedding dress, cake, food, reception, makeup, flowers and bouquets, guests, dance practices, and council meetings. August and I barely saw one another as we passed out from exhaustion and burn out by the end of the night.

We were currently on our way back from another grueling council meeting.

"They hate me." I huffed, defeated.

"They just don't know you or what you're capable of. But I do. They will learn. They warmed to the idea the first time around."

"They probably think I'm going to run like last time."

He gave me a pointed look, "You didn't run, you saved everyone. And okay, the wedding is tomorrow, then they will go back to their corner of the land where they can't bother anyone. Especially with the wedding being an open invite, anyone can come. There will be so many people you probably won't even notice the old council members."

I sighed loudly, rubbing my face, "I'm just exhausted by all of this. I just want to marry you already."

We came to a stop outside my old suite and he pulled me into a long kiss. He rubbed my back, "Soon, my love. Soon. Now, get some rest, tomorrow is the beginning and the end." He kissed my forehead and ushered me into my private suite.

We had decided to be a bit traditional and not see one another the day of the wedding, at least until we were at the altar.

I closed the door behind me and took a few deep breaths. I started at the wedding dress hanging from the wardrobe and reminded myself, it was almost over.

I padded to the bathroom, stripping and running myself a bath. I soaped the water and slipped in, letting the hot water soothe my anxiety.

I was so happy to be marrying August, but so anxious that I would screw up during the wedding. It was going to be grand and I had many speeches I had to give, promises to care for the kingdom, promises to August, promises to the council, it was so many words. So many eyes.

On top of that, this open wedding nonsense. Everyone was invited and they could bring anyone and so could they. No matter who they were, enemy, friend, family, or...mates. We weren't allowed to turn anyone away by council law, every leader is given the right to witness the swearing in of a new Queen. Who was I kidding, I knew Roman would make an appearance. I just hoped he wouldn't make a scene.

I dipped my head under the water and laid there. I stayed there for half an hour, worrying, thinking, overthinking.

Being under there reminded me of that day under the lake. It reminded me of why I was doing all of this.

Augustus. My love.

I loved him with such a fierceness it nearly consumed me. I always avoided the thought, but I knew that if he were ever killed, I would surely slaughter the town and rip the murderer apart. If he died, this flame within my soul would simply die. I knew wholeheartedly that I would I would do everything possible to kill myself to be with him once more. My dead heart would never beat again. I would suffocate from a lack of him.

I loved him so much that I had lied to him. I had no desire to be Queen, but I would do it for him. To keep him. To live undead alongside him.

I loved him far more than he loved me and I knew it because I could feel it within him. It wasn't that he carried a lack of love for me, but that I carried an abundance. Too much.

The thought of being Queen sounded miserable. Suffocating, and boring, an honor, but boring. I was incredibly grateful for the opportunity to serve his kingdom and care for it and nothing within me desired that. But I loved him. And he was all I thought I needed.

He was my great love.

I would push forward and marry him because not doing so meant he wasn't happy. I needed him to be happy. It pained me to see him hurting.

And he was the closest living thing to my dead son.

I still couldn't recall anything from before my memories were erased. But some maternal scared part of myself saw his smile and knew that Tobias carried the same. Saw his dimple and knew in my heart that my son's cheek displayed something similar.

And I knew for a fact that his laugh had to have been passed on.

I never admitted to August how sorrowful I was. How broken I felt since I found out about his existence. His absence.

It weighed on me every waking moment and I put on a smile. I pushed the part of myself that was happy about marrying August to the forefront of my every action, because I was truly elated to marry him.

But the deep hole of my dead son swallowed up all those feelings and it took every ounce of my being to fish out the happiness.

Sometimes the black hole swallowed up every emotion within me and there was nothing. I figured out a few months ago that those moments fully blocked out Augustus. And I was glad.

I slowly raised from the water, sitting up and pulling my legs to my chest and resting my chin in them.

I grabbed the tall black candle on the stool next to the tub. I watched the flame dance through the air. I tilted it to the left, watching the liquid wax turn solid as it hit the water in droplets.

I placed my hand above the flame, letting it blacken my palm. The flame danced with black smoke.

I lowered my hand, the flame licking the soft skin of my palm. I watched the skin there start to bubble. My flesh searing away. Wild pain causing my hand to shake.

I let it burn the skin away. The gray muscle sizzling next.

I let it burn and burn. My veins crackling.

I stopped when I saw bone, bringing my hand to the water, the heat intensifying the burn.

My arm shook as pain licked my muscles and nerves.

I let a cold tear fall, wiping it and draining the water.