Love, Summer

29: anxiety

I know it's not going to be a good day.

My anxiety has been at an all time high today, and while I've been managing it so far, I didn't take my medicine today.

In combination with that, I woke up ten minutes late, wrapped up like a warm burrito in my sheets.

I did not want to get out of bed yet I am at school now.

I also managed to drive here on an empty tank of gas, which induced more panic as well as tears.

To top the morning off my body won't stop shaking and my heart is racing in an unhealthy way.

It's currently lunch, so I sit with our little group. My head leaning against my crossed arms as I try to control my breathing.

"Is she okay?" I hear Cherry ask with worry in her voice. I really try not to worry people when I am like this. Instead I hold my feelings in until I am home, or at least in a private place.

I feel a rough poke to my shoulder, likely from Luke.

"She's breathing," Luke remarks with a laugh, and I don't find it funny.

"Leave her alone," Reese wards off Luke, and I can only imagine the frown Luke has on his face.

He says Reese 'bullies' him.

A warm hand placed on my back breaks me out of my thoughts. I lift my head to see Reese shooting me a small smile.

I know he can tell I am anxious, especially since my anxiety used to be much worse when I was younger. I hadn't been prescribed medication yet, so I was a mess.

I lean my head down again and listen to the bustling of the cafeteria.

Some girls behind me gossip about other classmates, their gum smacking in their mouths.

A table to my left sounds off with laughing, and I know it's the football boys talking trash about their next opponents.

The sounds of students and objects around me are oddly soothing, but my medication would be a lot more help.

I slowly get up and grab my things, alerting my friends about my leaving.

"Nurse," I answer simply but of course Cherry doesn't let me leave yet.

"Do you need me to come?" She asks, leaning her arms against the table to stand but I shake my head.

"No, I'm okay," I want to be alone. To try to breathe normally and hopefully lessen my anxiety on my own.

I walk out of the cafeteria and let out a sigh of relief.

The problem now is that my anxiety hasn't lessened.

I'm much more aware of my heart beating against my ribcage. I'm aware of the shallow breaths I take and the itching under my skin begging to be scratched.

I try to take deep breaths but instead of air I'm greeted with salty tears down my face.

I don't know what to do at this point, I'm sweating hot and I can't move so I throw my bag on the floor and sit down.

My legs sit sprawled in front of me so I pull them in and lean my head on top, closing my eyes.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm really not okay.

I realize I'm sobbing and I pray no one walks out into the hallway. I can't let anyone see me like this.

"Sum?" A voice enters from the side, but I can't focus on it.

Reese.

"Summer, fuck." He sits down next to me and I'm suddenly warm.

"I-I can't- I" my sentences aren't forming correctly and I'm grasping for air.

"It's okay, baby you're okay." The warmth from his body relaxes me and we sit on the floor for another fifteen or so minutes.

Eventually my breath evens and I can hear myself think. The tears in my eyes slow down.

I'm embarrassed now.

Embarrassed that I'm in his arms. I'm on the floor sobbing like an idiot.

I usually have control over my anxiety, but today was just not one of those days.

I look up into Reese's eyes which are already looking down at me.

"Summer?" He begins, waiting for me to speak.

I clear my throat, it's dry and I'm tired.

"I-I'm okay. I-I just. My pills. Didn't take them today." I respond and he nods back, still rubbing my back.

I usually take my pills sometime during the day. Whether it be morning or afternoon I'm always sure to take them.

"You scared me. Are you okay now?" Reese rushes out. He doesn't usually talk a ton so I'm surprised he's acting like this.

"Yes." I nod, biting my lip in embarrassment. "I'm sorry." I add in.

"For what?" Reese looks at me incredulously like I wasn't just having an anxiety attack.

"If you think you need to apologize for that, you don't." He kisses my forehead and I feel my eyes shut.

I'm in peace.

"Sorry. Fuck. I-sorry." He backs up and helps me to stand.

"It's okay," I smile. It felt really nice. I miss when we were close. Reese used to be the biggest cuddler. He was so touchy feely.

"Let's get you home," he grabs my things and takes me to the front office.

Once we are outside I turn to him.

"I have no gas," I mutter, once again embarrassed.

"We'll take mine. Fill yours tomorrow." He decides before walking to his car.

I'm at peace as I sit in his car, the widow down and some random playlist low in the background.

I trust him more than I would like to admit.

It's scary.