As Easy As Murder

32. On and on and off

A pit sits in my stomach as I drive slowly through the darkened streets in my bug. Streetlights bleed through the windows, begging me to stop, not to come home. But I have to. 

I didn't respond to Dad's text. I didn't want to know. 

I went back to the dorm and fell asleep, sleeping off all possible scenerios, all possible problems that could have arised that Dad wants to talk to me about. All the other scenarios to distract me from the one that it is indefintly, Mom has taken a turn. 

It's obvious, no use running away from it. Or driving away from it. So I'm driving towards it. 

Loretta is laying across the back seat, bundled in blankets, looking like some stray animal I saved from the side of the road. She claimed she couldn't stand to stay at the dorm without me while I dipped out for the weekend, and since we both knew the circumstances, told me that my Mom was her Mom so many times, and so If it's about her, she needs to hear it and not be kept in the dark.

And I couldn't argue with that. 

My Mom was Loretta's mom half of the scraped knees, 30% of the cries, 70% of the laughs, and 100% of the craziness. Loretta deserves to know. 

We drive in silence, unusual for us. I haven't been to class in 3 weeks. The adminstrators have sent emails, my advisor has blown up my answering machine, Professor Simons has been trying to reach me left and right, but I can't do it. 

I almost went today, but I couldn't imagine sitting there, in that classroom with Kori, Ian, Anthony, Felicity, Nose Picker Guy, and Professor Simons, without the knowledge of the condition of my Mom. 

As much as I'd love to endlessly work on assignments to bring other people's families justice, sometimes I have to worry about my own. And this is one of those times. 

The sunset bleeds into the black sky, loosing all resemblance of daylight, the night embracing us with open arms, buildings on either side of the tiny car, waving to us, the trees swaying, all wishing us good look, the moon shining the way home. 

I didn't tell Kori I was leaving this weekend. I haven't answered his calls. 

Nothing seems to matter right now. 

The assignments pile up, the texts go unanswered, the inbox remains full. 

And it's not the end of the world. 

I pull up Infront of the suburban house I used to ride my bike Infront of, used to cheer with my friends, used to smile endlessly, now all I can see is my Mom's weekly pills all still sitting there, reminders going un-noted, mentions of her favorite movies being met by confused answers. 

The inside jokes have made it outside, and they aren't coming back. 

Mom isn't coming back. 

I knock on the door, a groggy Loretta stood behind me, met by the warm light of the entry way, the heat melting onto our cold faces. 

Dads hugs me, "Averen, I didn't expect you, I would've made dinner, I would've planned something, I'm sorry, I-"

I smile. "It's okay, Dad." 

We all sit down on the red couch, Gerold curled up on his bed in the corner next to the crackling fire, the sparks that shoot out of the blue flames threatening to ruin his sweet dreams, but he remains unbothered, purring and breathing In and out, so oblivious. 

I sink my shoulders as Loretta's arm slings around them. 

"Where's Mom?" Loretta whispers. 

Dad sighs, "In bed."

The time, 8:30. Mom was always a night owl. Nights spent reading to me by the fire merged into nights spent catching the true crime shows late at nighted, merged into hugging each other and crying, worried about being seperated after the end of12th grade, merged into sitting here, awaiting bad news. 

"We had a doctors appointment."

Loretta squeezes me, and I push my forehead into her chest, squeezing my lungs, holding my breath, unable to think of anything besides the vanilla candle on the mantle and Mom's shoes on the shelf. 

"She's been diagnosed with pseudo-dementia. It's memory decline that is caused by mental disorders and is temporary."

Loretta eyebrows scrunch together in confusion, "Becky doesn't have any mental disorders."

"Her diabetes has apparently caused her to develop some form of depression, which has caused the decline."I go blank, numb, the words shooting an anesthetic into my body, it shoots through my bloodstream, everything returns to a false normal. 

I stand up, "I'm going to take a shower."

Loretta and Dad look at me confusion which I ignore, turning a blind eye, walking onto the cold tile of the bathroom. 

I turned on the shower head. 

And passed out. 

When my vision is returned to me, Loretta is looking over me. She doesn't look concerned or worried about my wellbeing at all. She kicks me with her foot, "Yo." 

I sit up. Mom is sitting on the rocking chair in the living room, but when we make eye contact, she rushes over, picking my head up with her hands and kissing my forehead, "Averen, oh thank goodness. Did your father scare you with the knews? I told that bear to deliver it gently."

I shake my head. "No, no...I didn't eat today."

Loretta throws a sleeve of crackers at my head and calls it a day, turning around and walking back into her bedroom. I scoff and shove a cracker in my mouth, crunching on it while Dad explains to the 911 dispatcher that everything is fine now and I just was malnourished. 

I slowly stand up, steadying myself. I turn to Mom. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yes, but because of the fact that it was the sound of your body hitting the ground, I'm not mad at you."

I laugh and hug her, the smell of her floral perfume evaporating my problems, assuring me that she's okay. I take a deep breath for the first time in a while. 

Once everthing and everyone has settled down, I settle into bed, the walls of my childhood bedroom surrounding me, the posters eyeing me back, especially Freddy Murcury, who looks quite displeased for some reason.