"the pain will never end, will it?" || ruikasa angst <3

a warm feeling

It was night, and the project was getting better and better. I had decided to stay over the night at akito's place, since I'm not in the mood to walk back to my own house. I wonder if akito knows anything about tsukasa. Maybe I could ask akito later.

Akito had set the mattress onto the floor for me to lay on. He also got himself a mattress to not make it unfair. I wouldn't mind if he slept on the bed, but he can do what he wants. I saw his sister earlier, and jeez, she's amazing at doing different kinds of art. Akito probably got inspiration from her.

"Alright, Rui. I think we should take a rest now, since it's getting late and we have to wake up early tomorrow." Akito had said. I looked over at him, and gave him a gentle nod, along with a small smile.

After we got to the mattresses...

...

It was silent. His room was chilly in a comfortable way, and all of the posters on his walls were interesting. Now, the question popped up into my head.

"Hey, akito? May I ask you something?"
"Hm? What is it, rui?"

"Do you know about tsukasa? The one who used to be in our class?" I ask quietly, looking at the ceiling.

"Oh, him... yeah. I do remember. He wad a close friend of yours, if I remember right. Maybe even a lover?"
"No, akito... I... well.." I blush a little, but continue; "...maybe. but, do you have any information about him? I would gladly like to hear what kind of friendship you had with him."

"Well, ours wasn't that much. I liked to scare him a little by telling him that he has bugs on some body parts. But, it was different with him and Toya."

?

"You want to hear?"

"Alright."

"Back when tsukasa was still here, toya would usually go to toya's place. Tsukasa always bought toya birthday gifts and baked stuff for him, even teached him how to bake. Toya enjoyed it so much, until he started to see tsukasa as an older brother, and tsukasa see toya as a little brother. Toya has an abusive father, so he would usually escape and find himself at tsukasa's place again. Of course, he came here too, since we're very close, but he did go to tsukasa's place more. Now, after he... you know, I've seen how toya's pretty silent and emotional nowadays. I've also seen how much of an affect it had been to you, rui."

I listen to all of akito's words. Aoyagi must feel sad, to lose his "big brother." He even lost saki, which makes it worse. I feel bad for him. But, I find it interesting on how akito noticed it on me too. I mean... it has affected me alot, if I'll be completely honest. Before I got to continue my thoughts, he told me something.

"But rui, if you ever feel sad about this all, you can tell me everything. I'll be here to listen."

...

A warm feeling.

It pops up into my heart, and it started beating. I stare at akito, my cheeks slightly pink. He's too kind.

"T.. tha- akito- thank you... akito." I stutter out somehow, just staring at akito with a smile.
"You... you too, you tell me if you're thinking about alot of negative stuff, okay? I'll try my best to help you."

"Alright. Thanks, rui."

... after days and days, many days, until the projects have to be shown to the teacher, infront of the class.

I stand beside akito, looking at the class full of interested people. We move out of the way for the classmates to see our big project.

While we listen, we hear alot of compliments and everything. They seem to like akito's art.. alot. They're not really paying attention to my handwriting. Until...

"Oi, it must suck to be partners with that guy."

Akito stares at the person who said that...

"Excuse me? Rui? No, he's a nice guy. What's that for? Just cause he looks like a sleepy kid? How about you shut up?"
"Jesus, I'm telling you facts."

"H.. hey, it's okay, akito.." I say quietly, putting my hand onto his shoulder.
"I'm trying to protect you!" Akito says, looking at me, his eyes narrowed. I frown.

"I don't need to be protected, akito..."
"Seriously? Ugh."

...

Later, at the front yard.

"Don't you realize that your state is going to get worse and worse if you just let others bully you?! What if they say something terrible towards you, and it'll change you forever?" Akito says...

"I don't care if they say something terrible. If they say it, they say it. I don't care."

"And if those words are so bad that you'll just go and commit suicide? Atleast let me protect you!"

"No, akito. That's too much. You can't... protect me."

"I'm trying to be a good friend, now you're fucking telling me that it's okay if you get bullied?! A good friend protects the other, and the other let's them protect them, not let themselves get worse. Do you no trust me or something?!"

"Wait, no- akito, I do trust you, it's just that—"

"That's settled then. I actually thought that you'd be someone I could protect and help, but you're just pushing away. You want to be alone? Fine, then. Be alone. I'll be with Toya, not you."

...

"No... akito, it's not..."

...

"Shit."

Night.

I stand infront of my window, fists clenched. Why did I do that? I shouldn't have done that. He has anger issues, doesn't he? I'm so sorry.

I always do something wrong. First, I make tsukasa kill himself, I leave away from nene and emu and make them worried about me, I ACCIDENTALLY make my depression so obvious in class just to come to the point that others think that I'm craving for attention, and now I literally don't let someone protect me. I could've gotten into a better state if I did. I hate this.

I look at the tall building in the distance through the window.

"It will happen."

...