First at Last (Updated Version)

Chapter Eighteen

The idea of seeing William, of having to discuss the inevitable filled me with dread. There were only so many ways our encounter would end and none of them were good.

I paced my room, wringing my hands as I did, debating whether I should go at all. Perhaps he would come to me. Of course, he hadn't all week, so I assumed he would not now.

A little knot of anger rose in my chest. He had not visited me at all after the first day. Perhaps he'd known long before I did about the arrangement. Maybe he was trying to make this easier. Nothing would make it easier.

I took a shuddering breath. I needed to go see him. Part of me wondered if I never went and saw him again. If I avoided him forever, I could avoid what was to happen next.

I swallowed against the lump that had already formed in my throat.

Calm down, Erika, I admonished myself. Nothing has been decided yet. It might work out all right after all. But I had a very strong feeling that it would not.

My stomach ached. I could not avoid him, I knew that. I needed to go see him.

#

When I arrived at the palace gates, I found William leaning against our tree.

When did it become our tree? I thought as I walked toward him. Despite the dread that knotted my stomach, my heart felt lighter upon seeing him.

William looked up at me as I approached and straightened. He smiled a tentative smile and raised his hand in a wave as I approached.

"Good evening, William," I said.

"Erika," he replied. "You look beautiful, as you always do."

Despite the weight of our situation, my face warmed at the unexpected compliment. "You're very kind to say so."

We stood a foot apart, looking into each other's eyes, the silence heavy between us. We both knew what conversation must be had, but I did not want to bring it up, and he did not appear to want to either.

William broke the silence first, and it felt almost like a battle lost. "I am to marry your sister."

I swallowed and nodded. "I've heard. And you are going to do it?"

"Well, I do not have much of a choice." There was an edge to his voice as he said it.

My heart sank a little at his words and I took a step toward him. "Of course you have a choice," I said. "You are the one marrying her."

"It is not that simple. My father is the one enforcing this order. He is the king. I can not disobey the king."

"But he is your father first. Who you want to marry should be important to him."

"It isn't, Erika," he replied. "He cares about who he thinks will be best for the country, and he could not care less what that person means to me."

I took a breath, attempting to reign in the anger that was bubbling up inside of me. "Is that it, then? You will not try to persuade him otherwise? You will not fight for us?"

"I have tried! But he didn't listen. He refused to even entertain the idea. There isn't anything else I can do. But I want to marry you, Erika, not Alice. I love you." He took my hand and held it tightly in his.

I should have been pleased that he told me he loved me. Under any other circumstances, I would have been. But it didn't sound like a proclamation, it sounded like a defeat.

"So, that is it, then. You are going to marry Alice."

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and he looked down, avoiding my gaze. "Yes, I am going to marry Alice. I'm sorry, Erika. I wish things could have been different for us."

I pulled my hand from his and stepped back. "Goodbye, William," I said, my eyes burning.

"Goodbye, Erika,"he replied into the darkness.

I turned and walked away, back down the path to the palace gates. I could feel my heart breaking with each step I took away from the man I loved. I had always rolled my eyes at girls in books that talked about having a broken heart in such a literal sense, but now I understood. It hurt to walk away from him.

I made it through the front gates and around the corner, out of sight, out of earshot, before I burst into tears. I leaned against a small brick house as tears ran down my cheeks, dripping onto the cobbled street.

My shoulders shook with the force of my sobs and I wrapped my arms around myself as though I could keep myself together that way.

It took several minutes to compose myself. Once my tears has slowed enough that I could see again, I began the walk back to the estate. It was quiet on the walk back, except for the breeze that sighed softly, as though responding to my own feelings of despair.

I brushed away more tears as I walked, sniffling and occasionally letting out little muffled sobs. The walk felt longer than usual, though that was perhaps partly because usually I walked back with William, who made the walk feel so much shorter.

The thought sent a fresh wave of tears down my cheeks.

I did, eventually, make it back home and was relieved to find that Mother had not noticed my absence. Though, if she would have, it would not have beens so bad being locked in my room again, since I had no commitment to seeing anyone anymore.

I hurried up to my room as quietly as I could and shut the door behind me. I sat before the fireplace, staring into the golden flames as they danced around the logs, consuming them. I held my hands in front of the fire in an attempt to warm them. The room was quiet, save for the crackling of the fire, and I did not like it. I wished there was noise, loud and obnoxious and all-consuming, something to drown out my thoughts, to distract me. Even reading held no appeal for me on this night.

I felt empty, hollow. As though, when I'd left William, I left a big part of myself behind with him. I wondered if I would ever feel complete again.

I rested my head against the back of the chair, staring at the mantle above the fireplace. I closed my eyes, trying to feel hate, or anger, or anything at all toward Mother, or Alice, or even William.

But, now, all of that had passed. I felt numb.