A Love Match

5 - Sophie

I've been successfully avoiding my husband for the last week – I haven't been going downstairs for meals, and I sat in the drawing room only if I knew he had already left the house. It was cowardly of me, I knew that, but in my delicate state I felt my reserves of strength were better used for taking care of myself than for pretending to be strong in front of my faithless husband.

Of course it was pretending. No one in their right mind would be able to simply go on with their life after such a groundbreaking revelation. I thought I had done everything right regarding marriage – I had waited for the right man to tie myself to in order to make sure I would not suffer or live an empty, loveless life. I also knew that the moment Nicholas and I married, everything I owned would become his property. So all I really had now was my pride, and I would not show him that he had broken me with his carelessness.

Tonight, however, I wouldn't be able to hide – we had to go to his aunt's ball and then the next day I would be leaving for my parents' estate in the country. I could do this. I found a note on my door this morning, from Nicholas, reminding me of tonight's engagement, and the sight of his familiar once-loved handwriting caused a pang of pain in my chest:

Darling,

Don't forget we are expected at aunt Lillian's ball tonight. I will meet you downstairs at 9.

Love,

N.

I quickly crumpled up the note and threw it in the fire before I could succumb to the temptation of repeatedly reading it and maybe focusing on some of the more gentle words in it. My image in the looking glass was a stark contrast to the one I had seen while getting ready for the last ball I'd gone to. That woman was happy, radiant even, after having spent half the day in bed with her husband. She looked forward to being in a carriage with him because those always made him mischievous, and she couldn't wait to have their first ball as a married couple. What an unpleasant surprise awaited her! For a moment I closed my eyes and debated with myself whether I would have warned her if I could have. Would I have told the old me not to go to the terrace, to continue living in blissful ignorance? The answer is a sad yes. The truth only brought me pain.

I couldn't even look at Nicholas who was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. In front of other people and our staff we had to maintain the façade of civility, and I already feared that I would be unable to rein in my temper.

"You look lovely, Sophie," he said softly while helping me don my pelisse, a small smile playing on his lips. I had deliberately put on my yellow gown, knowing that he was not particularly fond of the colour and he might have guessed how my mind worked.

"Thank you, Your Grace," I politely murmured and we made our way out.

In the carriage, I stared out the window, trying to ignore his proximity and the memories of all the previous carriage rides we'd been on.

"We have to talk about this at some point, Sophie," he tried in that gentle voice that I imagine one uses with a skittish colt.

"I don't have to do anything but give you an heir," I retorted icily. "And that is precisely what I am doing, so there is nothing to talk about. Feel free to proceed with your life however you see fit."

"I want to proceed exactly how we've been living, Sophie, like a true husband and wife."

"Oh so you want to continue lying to me and meeting your darling mistress, understood."

He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes briefly before looking deeply into mine.

"There is no mistress Sophie. I love only you. I only want to be with you."