A Love Match

8 - Sophie

Being back at the Winchester estate was physically invigorating. Every morning I would wake up to bird song and sunshine and, since my appetite was back, I would practically run downstairs to enjoy the exceptional breakfast spread. I would go for long daily walks, sometimes with the dogs, sometimes with my sisters, and on the weekends we would plan picnics and excursions for the whole family. The sun and the air and the food helped return some strength to my body and colour to my face. My parents' estate provided them with the most delicious vegetables, meats, fruits, preserves, grains and other delicacies that they would get delivered to their London home as well, and those were the flavours evocative of my childhood. That had been my plan forAshbury, I was going to take my time sampling the best local products and make them a staple in all of our homes, for our future children.

Unfortunately, Winchester was also another place that had been tainted by memories of my husband. The last time I was here was while Nicholas was courting me. It was a few months into the Season, during which he danced with me at every ball, we went for chaperoned walks every Sunday, visited the opera together several times, and exchanged hundreds of letters in between those outings. As was customary for my family, we left London mid-Season to spend a month in the country and I really didn't want to go with them this time, since I was so enamoured and did not enjoy the thought of being away from Nicholas for a month, but maman smiled knowingly and just said that this was part of the process too. Two days later, I understood what she meant. Nicholas had shown up at the estate unannounced, wrinkled and dusty as if he'd been riding for hours without stopping. Upon seeing my surprised face, he quietly said: "Your last letter said you wished I were here," and for a moment I worried that my smile would split my face open. I had never experienced such joy in my life prior to that moment. Nicholas stayed for ten days and then came back for five more at the end of the month.

I didn't want to think about those memories, but I did. And then I kept thinking about the current state of affairs and how nothing about having this child was going the way I had always imagined it would. At this point, I was coming close to having to go into confinement and me and my husband have never sat down and talked about anything related to the child. No sweet discussions about the best baby names were held, my still small stomach remained untouched, and I cried at least once a day. I felt absolutely wretched, but I still couldn't bear to open Nicholas' letters. They all burned. It was almost as if I was afraid of him now. The power my love had given him over my emotions and happiness was terrifying, and after the utter devastation I'd experienced that night in the garden, I never wanted to feel anything even remotely similar to that ever again. So I hid myself away inside a cold cocoon and although it hurt to be so distant from him, both physically and emotionally, it hurt a lot less than realizing that my husband had kissed another woman.

My sisters tried cheering me up whenever they noticed that I had fallen into one of my moods, as Isabella referred to them now. She was still young and in those sweet stages of courting where the future is just a blank canvas full of potential on which to paint the life you desire. Unfortunately, my experiences seemed to be darkening her outlook,since today, over tea, she remarked:

"I am starting to worry about Frederick, you know," she said, not looking at either of us directly. Violet and I glanced at each other and I nodded for her to take the lead.

"Why is that, my dear Bella?"

"Well, everything is great and wonderful now, and last night he even confessed his feelings for me," a slight blush spread on her neck after she said that, "but how can I trust him?"

Suddenly her face fell and she seemed like a lost child.

"Who is to say he will not do what Nicholas did?"