Marina/One Chicago One Shots

The Clouds

The air was heavy with unspoken words as I glanced over at Carina, my mind swirling with the weight of what I was about to reveal. Something very few, if any people knew about. Carina had already known about "eyes forward" and what it meant to me. As well as how it came up in certain situations. Although something she still had no idea about was the "clouds". We were laying on our bed, watching "Friends". I had shown this show to Carina and she right away fell in love with it. It was late at night but both of us had the day off tomorrow which meant we didn't have to go to bed early. Lately, I had been mentally distant and Carina could tell. I was laying with my head on her stomach as I played with my fingers. It was a habit afterall.

Carina's POV-

Maya was laying with her head on my stomach. As she played with her fingers out of habit. Lately, she had been very distant from me, mentally. I knew her fidgeting with her fingers meant that something was going on in her mind. Although, she just wasn't talking about it for who knows what reason. I paused the show I was watching and broke the silence.

"What's racing through that mind of yours, Bambina?" I asked, as Maya continued to fidget with her fingers.

"I don't know," I heard Maya whisper.

"Be honest, Bambina. Is there something bothering you? You've been very distant mentally and I want to know so that I can help you," I said soothingly, as I took her hands into mine so that she wouldn't further hurt herself.

"Wh- when my dad showed up at the station the other day, it brought back memories," Maya started to explain, before letting out a sigh.

"I guess with that and Beckett making us run laps all the time, memories, bad memories keep filling my mind," she finished explaining, before turning to face me.

"The memories from when you ran track or just everything in general?" I asked, trying to get a better understanding while hoping she would end up opening up more.

"In general," She replied, going to sit up but I laid her back down on me as I knew when she had someone around her that she could feel , it usually helped her stay calm or even calm down. 

Maya's POV-

"When I traveled around the world for track, if it wasn't an event close to us , we always went on an airplane. I remember thinking it was so cool but as I got older and older , I started thinking about other things," I explained, wanting Carina to know why I was being a little more distant mentally.

"Like what? What did you start thinking about Bambina?" Carina asked, curious about what I was going to say.

"Th- the clouds. They just looked so soft. Especially after a long day of running, they looked so nice. Unlike everything else I had going on at that time. Just imagining what it would be like to go on a cloud and float away ... How much better life would've been. I wouldn't have to run anymore, my dad wouldn't be in control, and it just overall calmed me down," I explained, looking at Carina's face and seeing how surprised but sad she was to hear what I was saying.

"Y- you thought about ... dying?" she asked me, as she sat up against the headboard and pulled me up so that I was also sitting down while still cuddling with her.

"No ... it wasn't thinking about dying ," I said defensively.

"Well then what was it Bambina?" she asked, rubbing my arms to try and soothe me.

"It was anything but thinking about dying. Okay, Carina?" I replied, as my eyes filled with tears from anger but I made sure not to let them fall.

"Bella, why didn't you tell me sooner? I wish I could've helped you," she explained, trying her best to keep me calm.

"I just never knew how to bring it up. It's not something that I think about as often anymore," I replied, resting my head back on her shoulder.

"Di- Did you ever do anything to act on these thoughts Bambina?" she asked, each time gaining a sadder look on her face.

"I- When these thoughts were fresh, I did," I whispered, trying hard to not let the tears in my eyes fall.

Carina's POV-

Hearing my Maya talk about what classified as dying was, I don't even know how to explain it. She didn't even realize it was basically saying she thought about dying. How could parents traumatize their own daughter to think about things like this. I was happy to hear it wasn't really something she thought about anymore but also her saying that when the thoughts were new, she did try and act on them made me scared. For the both of us.

"Can you explain more Bambina?" I asked, trying to gauge everything she was saying.

"I- uh used to self harm in many ways," she whispered, as I could tell tears were wounding up in her eyes.

"Like?" I asked, in a gentle tone.

"Cutting or doing things like playing with my fingers until they bled," she replied, slowly sitting up and out of my embrace. I felt so bad for her right now.

How did I not know this? I knew that Maya would've opened up more if I did know about all of what she was saying. Would Maya let me see the cuts even if they weren't new? I don't know. Was I still going to ask her if I could see them? Yes.

"Can I see them?" I asked, making sure my voice was calm so that she wouldn't freak out.

"I- Sure..." Maya responded, pulling up her shirt to reveal scars on her stomach. "I have some on my upper thighs but I- I don't like looking at those ones..." Maya said, as I could tell her anxiety was building up.

"That's okay, Bambina. Thank you for telling me about this stuff," I exclaimed, happy to see Maya opening up although it was on something sad. "You will come to me if you ever feel like floating away on the clouds or doing things like this, right?" I asked, trying to reassure myself that I could trust her.

"Yes, I'll try my best but sometimes it's hard," Maya replied, pulling her shirt back down and turning to face me on the bed.

"I know but that's okay," I replied, trying to make sure she felt safe.

"I'm tired," Maya said, laying down on her side of the bed as I laid down next to her and she cuddled into me. "Love you!" she exclaimed, her voice very tired and sad.

"Thank you for opening up to me Bambina. Ti Amo," I said, cuddling with Maya until I heard her soft snores which ultimately led me to also fall asleep next to her.