Broken Vessels

Kabanata 39

Kabanata 39

Alone

They say, trust God, because He knows the way. But what if the way no longer has a road to walk on?

I cried to Him many times, begging for help, pleading for healing, but all I ever received was His silence. Deafening silence. A silence so long, it didn't just break my heart. . . It crushed me.

Bigla kong naalala ang mga araw na hindi ko pa Siya nakikilala. Ironically, life back then didn't feel as messy as it does now. Hindi ito ang buhay ko noon! I'm tired! Tired of holding onto the faith they are telling me when it feels like my prayers are falling on deaf ears. I can't feel Him anymore. And deep in the corners of my mind... I cursed God. For ruining my life. For giving me hope only to leave me drowning.

Kaya kinalas ko ang yakap ko sa kaniya. No! I can't. Hindi maaari. Hindi puwede!

"I let God in my life already! Ano pa bang kulang? Ilang dosenang pinto pa ba ang kailangan kong buksan para lang hindi maging ganito kasakit?" I couldn't even recognize my voice.

They say when you let God in, everything will be okay, right? Right?! But I did! I already did! Pero bakit parang hindi ko na maramdaman 'yon?

"Adri..." Amare reached out again. But I pulled my hands away, away from his warmth.

I looked at him with nothing but despair. I pulled everything from him, including my heart that is beating for him!

"It's easy for you to say things like that, just because you don't know the feeling, Amare. You don't know the rejection, the shame, the fear I battle every day!"

My sobs stole the strength from my voice.

"I already gave God a second chance. I thought maybe I was hurting because I didn't know Him well enough. So I obeyed. I tried to live holy. I tried to change. But the more I did, the more complicated everything became. I did everything right, Amare. I held on to scripture, I prayed, I fought. . . and what did I get? Nothing! Wala! Hindi Niya ako pinakinggan. So stop telling me about saving because I've already drowned myself. No hand can reach how deep I sank, Amare."

"Hindi mo naiintindihan..." He stepped forward again. Umiiling siya sa akin habang pilit na inaabot ang aking mga kamay.

But I stepped back. My eyes softened, pleading. Hindi ko nga talaga kayang saktan siya ng ganito. Shit, imbes na magalit pa ako, bakit ako nanlalambot?

"Leave me alone, Amare. Hayaan mo muna ako. Please. . . gusto ko lang mapag-isa," I whispered.

I saw the pain flash in his eyes the moment I said that. I didn't mean to hurt him. But I was already hurting too much to stop it.

"Huwag mo na akong sagipin, Amare. Huli na. . . nalunod na ako. Huli na ang kamay mo sa pag-abot sa akin."

Pasensya na kasi kahit ako, pagod na akong sagipin ang sarili ko. Don't come near me. I am just a stain on your perfect canvas, Amare. Ikaw ang puti. Ako ang dugo. Hindi tayo pantay. I'm too broken. I'm not the same girl you first met. I don't want you tangled in my mess, especially in my family, my truth, my shame.

It's hard because even if I say these things, deep down, a part of me still wants to be saved by him. But I couldn't bear the thought of dragging him down anymore. He never got tired of saving me, but I'm just too tired of being saved.

The life I lived, covered in lies, screams at me now. I tried to be holy. I tried to be good. But I feel like a black hawk trying to become a dove like a lost cause.

Kinabukasan, pinatawag ako ng isa sa mga professor ko dahil sa performance ko lately, mababa na raw. Wala nang progress. Isang bagsak pa, at matatanggal na ang scholarship na pinaghirapan ko.