Broken Vessels

Kabanata 40

Kabanata 40

Fear

It's been two weeks since she left. She was really determined to walk away and leave me behind. I still can't understand her decision, choosing to save her first love and her new baby. . . over her own daughter? Iniwan niya talaga ako. What is that supposed to mean?

I keep getting left behind by everyone. It's like rejection all over again. Being left alone feels like no one wants me in their life. No one wants to stay, and that only means one thing, they don't want my presence. One of the worst kinds of pain is when your own family leaves you. Para akong sinaksak ng paulit-ulit ng kutsilyo sa likod at ang mas masakit, gising ako sa bawat saksak.

It's so hard to carry this kind of pain, the kind that feels deeply rooted in my veins. And maybe. . . maybe this is the consequence of what I did to Amare. All I ever wanted was not to be a burden to anyone. I didn't want to drag anyone into the mess that is my life and now, with all the truth coming out, I just made it messier.

Is this karma? But why did it hit me so fast? Not even a few years passed, and now God is already punishing me. It's like everything I tried to bury is being shoved back in my face.

I used to think I was broken in the process of growing up. But now, I realize, I was already broken the moment I was born. The shame that lives in my story is something I've always tried to hide. Maybe that's also the reason why Obed didn't choose me. I was too broken. Unmotivated person. Not holy. A sinner. A masked woman. Never the truth. He saw who I really was, and maybe he chose to walk away instead of staying with me.

Maybe God said no, not to redirect me. . . but to save him from me. And now, that's what I'm trying to do with Amare, too. To save him from me.

Some days, it really feels like life is finally okay. You get all these good things. Positivity surrounds you. And you begin to hope, maybe this is how life should always be.

But then life betrays you. It hands you a weight you can't carry. And the worst part? You carry it alone. Even God can no longer save me... or maybe He just chose not to.

"Aalis ka, Bee?" I walked downstairs one morning in my red hoodie and pants. Ate Lyn looked up and asked me.

Ilang linggo na akong hindi pumapasok. I also hadn't stepped out of my room.

I bluntly looked at Ate Lyn. "Wala na akong pambayad sa'yo, Ate Lyn. Pwede ka nang umuwi o maghanap ng ibang trabaho." Ignoring her question.

Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Napatingin ako doon. My emotions started to build up again, but I managed to stop them right away.

"Naghahanap ako ng trabaho, oo, pero hindi ako uuwi sa amin. Para ko nang pangalawang tahanan ito, at parang kapatid na rin kita kaya hindi ako aalis."

Umiwas ako ng tingin, to avoid getting emotional. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong lumambot, ayaw ko ng maniwala sa mga pinagsasabi nila. Words are just words. Narinig ko ang buntong hininga niya.

"Hindi kita masusustentuhan sa pag aaral mo, Bee, dahil hindi maging sapat ang sweldo ko. Sapat lang sa pang-araw-araw na pagkain, sa kuryente at tubig."

I sighed, then gently pulled my hand away from hers. Tumango akpo, alam ko naman iyon at wala naman akong plano na mag-aral muli. I pressed my lips together and forced a small smile.

"Okay lang naman po. Ayaw ko rin mag-aral ulit. Alis na ako, Ate, babalik siguro mamayang gabi."

Kunot noo niya akong tinignan. "Teka, saan ka pupunta? Ayaw mo bang mag breakfast muna?"

Umiling ako sa kaniya at deretsong naglakad palabas ng subdivision hanggang sa marating ko ang bus stop sa gilid lang nito. Bagong gawa lang 'yon. Maraming nagbago dito sa lugar namin at ngayon ko lang napansin.