Broken Vessels

Kabanata 41

Kabanata 41

Lowest

Weeks passed since they visited me, and I eventually told Ate Lyn about it. She even apologized for telling them about my situation. But honestly, she didn't have to. I know she was just worried about me. Maybe she thought I needed my friends. And she's right. I do. But this time, I just wanted to isolate myself.

"Bee, tara na! Bar na tayo. Maaga ang shift natin ngayon, kaya magsaya naman tayo!" yaya ng isa kong kasamahan, si Rina.

Over the years, I honestly can't even remember the last time I drank alcohol. Because when I was with Amare, everything about me changed. Even when life got difficult, I never thought of turning to alcohol to numb the pain. But now. . . now that she mentioned it, it's kind of tempting.

I wanted to say no, thinking Ate Lyn might scold me. I also considered that we still had work the next day. Pero iniisip ko, kung hindi ako sasama, nagmumukmok lang ulit ako sa bahay pagkatapos ng shift ko. Iiyak lang ako buong magdamag. I'm tired of crying every night. Kahit anong buhos ng luha ko, parang walang nababawas sa sakit. Maybe I'll just give myself a chance to be happy in this world. Just for a while.

"Rina, sure ka ba? Maaga tayo bukas." Lunes kasi bukas, at tuwing Lunes, maaga ang bukas ng café. 'Di tulad ng ibang araw na tanghali kami magbubukas.

"Okay lang 'yan! Ano ka ba. Eh ikaw nga, bihira na nga lang gumala."

She's right. Simula noong nangyari ang lahat, hindi ko na itinuturing ang sarili kong tao. Babad sa trabaho at walang pahinga. Hindi ko na rin pinagtuunan ng oras ang mga simpleng bagay, tulad ng pag-aaral magluto o maglaba kahit pagkatapos ng shift.

Isang araw, nadatnan ako ni Ate Lyn sa likod ng bahay, naglalaba. Ayaw ko sana maglaba pero wala na akong choice dahil kung hindi ko gagawin ito wala akong suot bukas.

"Bee, anong ginagawa mo?" Mahina ang tono ng tinig niya, tila hindi makapaniwala sa nakita.

I looked at her, standing behind me, with a blank expression on my face

"Naglalaba, Ate," mahinang sagot ko.

"Alam ko, pero sa ganitong oras? Alas onse na ha!"

"Maaga ka yata, Ate?" I asked her while continuing with the laundry.

"Masakit kasi ang ulo ko kaya umuwi ako ng maaga, bukas pa sana pero gusto ko nang magpahinga. Pero teka lang. kumain ka na ba?"

I silently nodded my head and continued scrubbing the clothes. Makati na ang kamay ko. Namumula na ang ilang bahagi nito at nangingilo..

"Nasunog 'yung hotdog. . . magluto ka na lang ng iba, Ate," mahina kong sagot.

"Kinain mo 'yung sunog?" Nakakunot ang noo niya. "Dalawang piraso na lang 'yun, Bee."

Bahagya akong natawa. "Wala na akong choice, gutom na ako eh. Tsaka sayang rin iyon kung itatapon ko. Nagtitipid tayo, 'di ba?"

My tone sounded cheerful, but my voice was trembling and she noticed. She let out a deep sigh.

Tumulo na naman ang luha ko habang nakayuko. Hindi ko alam kung pagod lang ba, gutom ba, o dahil sa bigat ng dinadala ko. Pinunasan ko agad ang luha gamit ang braso. Suminghot ako dahil naramdaman kong barado na ang ilong ko sa kakaiyak.

I know what he's thinking, this isn't the life meant for me. If Mommy were here. . . maybe I wouldn't be living like this. I would've chosen the pressure of school over this kind of struggle, as long as she was with me. But now, she's gone. She chose to leave me behind.

At kahit may mga tao naman sa paligid ko, pero bakit pakiramdam ko, ako lang mag-isa ang lumalaban?

"Ano nga ulit oras ng pasok mo bukas?"