Our Memories

| Happy Birthday, Levi... |

December 25th, 2023.

It's surreal how rapidly the year has passed by. I still remember the second I was living in January, and now, I'm existing in December. Almost like my brain hasn't yet processed the uncontrollable pace set by life. I would be lying if I didn't say how bothersome it makes me feel...like if something is wrong but I can't pinpoint what it is. Someone is watching, although no matter where I look, I can't find where the intense gaze is coming from. I can't even keep lying to myself or pretending everything is okay when I know...I just know there's something not right.

Today is my birthday. Another Christmas to spend, another birthday cake to indulge in that says, 'Merry Levimas' or something along those lines. Sometimes it's decorated with my face on it and a Christmas hat photoshopped onto my head, other times it's just me made out of fondant with snow all around, a Christmas tree with presents underneath it, snowmen, and inedible lights surrounding the cake. Every year it's different but one-hundred percent within that same theme. It's sweet, silly, the cake is always delicious especially since it's usually made by Sasha and her boyfriend, Niccolo. But this year...it's just...it's hard to look at the numbers lit up before me.

39.

I'm officially thirty-nine years old and pushing my grand forty. Aging physically doesn't scare me, but aging mentally does. What comes with something like aging comes vulnerability, and although I'm still learning to embrace that despite being my big age...I just can't imagine losing everything that I know. Slowly deteriorating and becoming someone else. My memory...the fame around me, my daughter. Although my age isn't considered old, nor do I view it as old, when you're in such a position and reflecting back on all the life you've lived...it hits you indescribably.

I'm losing who I was, now becoming someone else. Many would be happy they've left their youth, not physically most likely, but to be more mature and settle down for once and for all. It can be a relief...but not for me. I like the idea of settling, in fact, I did a while ago anyway. But it's not that, it's everything I've lived, experienced, the young man I once was is someone who no longer exists. I'm still alive, I'm breathing, I've fought my way to be here yet I can't help but mourn the person that no longer appears every time I look in the mirror. I look older, mature, even if Eren tells me otherwise. Always saying that I look twenty-three, but I remember my face at that age. I remember my thoughts, my feelings, the things I was going through during that time and...as painful as it was, I'm desperate to go back. To be young one more time.

However, as the days pass, there is not a second that feels like I can cherish. It's like if time is turning on me the nearer we get...somewhere. Somewhere we maybe aren't meant to be. Or somewhere we have a chance to avoid, otherwise, it'll hit us like a train. Change our entire lives. Although, speaking about that, a lot has happened recently. Potentially life changing things. On November eleventh, Zeke Yeager — Eren's half-brother — visited our home abruptly with two people beside him. Porco and Pieck, was their names. They sound familiar...in fact, they looked familiar but neither Eren or I could place our finger on who they specifically are or where we remember them from.

Why?

Because we both forgot. We've noticed...the more time passes and we get nearer to something...the more our memory blurs between the lines of our past life and our current one. Oh, I hate it. I hate it so fucking bad! I don't want to forget everything. I can't afford to forget anything. So why is it happening? What can I do to stop it? I know it's happening. I know it's inevitable but I want to try. Even if deep down inside, I know I hopelessly can't do anything about it. It's like we're losing the very thing that makes us so special. Aside from our careers, of course.

But in general...things have been strange. I mean, looking back at the conversation we had with Zeke, he introduced the pair to us before saying they're valuable assets. He said they're the second to last code to crack before we can finally help Eren get rid of his curse. That obviously piqued my interest intensely, and I didn't hesitate to ask for more information. That's when he went on to explain who the pair are, what they remember, and what next steps we should take. Since then, Eren and I were left with hope. But like with everything, there were limitations on their end just as much as there was on ours. They remember almost everything except for two people. These people, we're assuming, are the final key to freeing Eren from the chains he's bounded down by. We're so close yet so far since none of us can remember either of them. Not a single person, which ultimately left a strange taste in my mouth.