Brats & Brains (Shuichi x Kokichi)

13 - Pretty Boys Lose Their Sanity

~ Shuichi

That night, I go to bed with not an ounce of physical exhaustion, unlike how I normally feel after a class trial. I can't stop thinking about what I said to Kokichi after his malevolent monologue earlier.

"You're alone Kokichi. You always will be."

Those words continue to play on repeat, echoing through my brain and slamming against the walls of my skull, sending waves of regret and guilt through my mind—and I can't sleep. It's nearly one in the morning and all I can think about are the words I said to him.

"You're alone Kokichi. You always will be."

Of course I'm appalled at his horrific actions—him manipulating and betraying Gonta, him admitting how much our suffering entertains him and brings him joy, his sinister, sadistic smile that plagues us all with despair... No normal person could excuse that. I don't want to excuse his actions, but what I said to him was several steps too far. I'd never want to stoop to his level, and somehow managed to anyway.

My mind finally focuses on something other than what I said to Kokichi... but he still invades my thoughts. I think about all the moments he and I spent together prior to the fourth trial... was it all nothing to him? All the kisses we shared, the dance we had in the courtyard, me being vulnerable with him on multiple occasions... To him, it likely means nothing. To him, I was just a past time. But to me, he was so much more than that. He was everything. He gave me something that has been completely drained from this academy—hope. I'm not sure how; he never actively tried to fill me with hope—except when he assured me that I'm a smart detective, but that was one time. I just don't understand what draws me to him, aside from those split-second flashbacks of our mysterious past I've had ever since I arrived here. How could anyone love someone like him?

I sigh, annoyed that my eyes refuse to stay shut, and I make possibly the most reckless decision I've made since I arrived at this hellscape: I leave my room and I walk down the hall to Kokichi's dormitory. Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door. I don't expect him to answer, but it's worth a shot.

He doesn't answer. I knock again—I don't know why. He's probably peacefully asleep. But I remain at his door, vulnerable and weak.

"Kokichi?" I say quietly. I take in a shaky breath. "It's Shuichi... I'm so sorry for what I said to you earlier. I really am."

The silence surrounding me makes my ears ring. It's too quiet.

"I didn't mean it..." I say, sinking to my knees, finally feeling tired. Right before I decide to stand up and walk away, I hear a quiet creak and I see a gentle, cool light shine onto my legs. I look up and Kokichi is staring down at me, his face still red from earlier when he fake-cried over Gonta's death.

"Why are you on the floor?" Kokichi grumbles, rubbing his eyes. I wonder if I woke him up.

"I, uh," I stutter, "I just fell over."

Kokichi opens his door and I stand up to walk inside, nearly collapsing onto his bed as I feel the tiredness finally hit me like a train. Kokichi closes the door, locks it, and crosses his arms as he glares at me like he did during the trial—that piercing, cold glare that I'll never forget.

"Kokichi, I—"

"I heard you outside," Kokichi groans. He pulls something out of his pocket and when he flicks up a sharp, polished blade, I realize it's his knife. I flinch in fear as the echo from the click of his knife rings through my ears.

"You're... not planning on... killing me, are you?" I ask him nervously, a weak smile curling the corners of my mouth upward.

"Not this time," Kokichi says as he sits down at his desk, stretching his hand out on the table. His fingers have a great distance between them, and he starts poking the wood in between his fingers with the knife. The sounds from the tip of the blade stabbing the wooden table are the only sounds I can hear in this quiet room; the sounds start to vibrate through my brain and anxiety fills me as Kokichi continues stabbing the table.