Whispers in the confessional ~ Wolfstar

Chapter 17- Arent woth it

Sirius Blacks point of view:

I woke up early that morning, creeping about silently around Lily and James' house to avoid waking them up. I grabbed my bag and quickly wrote on a sticky note saying goodbye and thank you, then I left.

Walking through London this early in the morning (though it wasn't empty) was quite calm. I passed unique little cafes that I knew would go bankrupt by the end of the year, American sweets shops that were defiantly up to something illegal and the one bakery that has managed to survive. You know, the same old jolly thoughts.

Eventually I reached the hospital. Was I really doing this?

And of course this was no ordinary NHS hospital, no this was my dad. Private healthcare. He wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near public healthcare. Haha caught dead. Cause he's dying? Anyway, the building looked like it was from the bloody eighteenth century. After doing a crappy breathing exercise I walked inside, the automatic doors opening at my presence. The waiting room was empty except for a lady sat at the reception desk.

Hesitantly I approached, "Hi, I'm here to see Orion Black." I said plainly.

She looked up, raising an eyebrow, "Are you Sirius?" She asked. I nodded. "He's in room five, be gentle he's still asleep."

"Thanks." I passed her and made my way to room five. After walking down the hallway for a mere moment I approached room five and headed in. The room was spacious and spotless, not even another patient in sight, he hand this all to himself. There was a beep of a EKG machine that Orestes my ears as soon as I walked in.

I sat down on the round leather chair opposite his bed.

Silence.

I kept silent, watching his face do nothing. He was barely breathing and when he did it would be uneven and a struggle. Lots of machines were attached to him, they were really trying their best to keep him alive, I couldn't figure why.

"Hi." I crossed my arms, speaking to a father that wasn't there to listen, but when ever was he listening? "Reggie said I should come see you. Reggie," I laughed, "You always hated that nickname, said it was too informal for our family. Yeah well he told me to come here."

Pause.

Breath.

Speak.

"I wasn't going to visit but... I don't know. Maybe I want to rub it in that you're dying, maybe I want a rush to feel alive that isn't a knife or alcohol." I shrugged, "I've been snogging that priest, just thought you should know. Like really snogging him."

I smacked a hand down on the arm of the chair, "Say something god dam it!" I screeched. My hand clenched in a fist, I placed it in front of my mouth. He didn't even look at me, he couldn't , he was drying. "Of course you won't say anything. You're dying. Your not going to respond, but when ever did you." I paused.

"Say something!" I said through gritted teeth. The machine let out a long beep then went quiet.

Dead?

Well yeah.

I stood up, turned around and walked away. Maybe it was comforting to watch him die, watch that part of my life die. For the first time in my life, I thanked God. Walking down the corridor I saw some nurses rushing past me to get to my dads room. And I left, I just left.

Once I got outside I started crying, I remembered what I Lily had said to me.

'No matter how much you hate him there will always be a part of you that wants to love him. It's because you have a soul.'

I kept crying as I walked. I knew what I had to do now, I needed to talk to Remus. Whether he was ready or not I needed him to know my feelings.

I pushed through the chilly morning weather until I reached his house. Tears had finished rushing down my face and had dried from the cold air, the words of the nun came to my mind. I shook my head and brushed them off.

Against every fibre of my being I walked up the stairs, my knees occasionally going week.

Knock, knock.

Remus opened the door, his face looked puffy and swollen, "Oh, Sirius. Sorry I didn't expect you back so soon."

Rudely, I barged into his living room. "I love you Remus."

He took a few steps back, "Oh umm..."

"I love you Remus and I need you to know that. Everything over the past month, everything you've done for me, it's made me love you. And not only that I think you love me too, the way you kiss me, touch me. Everything. I need you to know that I need you."

He squinted, "Sirius... I... can't."

I froze. I had planned how this moment would go and that wasn't in my minds script. "What?" I blinked.

"I'm a priest Sirius." He sounded like he was scolding someone. But was he scolding me or himself?

"That didn't seem to bother you before." I spat out bitterly.

"No matter how much I want this, I can't. Even if I keep the physical stuff up I know I'll love you even more and you'll love me even more. So no Sirius, we can't keep doing this." He looked away from me.

"Remus? What do you-"

"It's either the church or you! And I pick the church over anything!" He cried out, "I want you out of my life." He added coldly.

I nodded, like a maniac I nodded with a twitching eye, "Fine!" My foot stomped on the ground like a toddler, "Have it your fucking way, but you're a selfish cunt for not stopping this earlier, when it wouldn't hurt." I pointed in his face, my finger barely missing his nose, "You like the sensation of love without the commitment. Fuck you."

I turned, leaving as quick as possible. Down the stairs with a sob.

I found myself in front of the pub, my pub, my favourite pub.

No, I had other shit to live for now. I was going to be a god father and I had some mending to do with my brother.

The drinks aren't worth it.

~;~;~;~