Twists and Turns in Monte Carlo: A Formula 1 Affair

{9.1}

Joanne sat in the familiar, cozy armchair of her therapist's office. The room was warm and inviting, with soft lighting, shelves filled with books, and the gentle hum of a white noise machine in the background. A small potted plant sat on the windowsill, its leaves bathed in the soft morning sunlight. The air smelled faintly of lavender, adding to the calming atmosphere.

Joannes therapist, a middle-aged person with kind eyes and a gentle demeanor, sat across from Joanne, a notebook on their lap. She sees Dr. Lee Huang now for seven years since her breakdown at 18.

"How are you feeling today, Joanne?" Dr. Huang asked, their voice soft and reassuring.

Joanne sighed, running a hand through her hair. They felt shaggy because she had bleached them to a dead blond in the last few months. She was almost platinum blonde now. 

"Honestly, not great. I didn't want to be here, but my grandmother's waiting outside to make sure I go through with this. Apparently I am dysfunctional since the holidays. Her words not mine."

Dr. Martinez nodded, their expression sympathetic. "Would you say you are 'dysfunctional' or would you use another word?"

Joanne sat there in silence, biting her lower lip. "I feel pain. I feel betrayed and mainly I feel stupid. Thats portably the worst of them all."

"You do not like people to view you as weak or helpless?"

Joanne took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "Toto ended things with me over text. He blocked me right after. I thought we had something real, but clearly, I was wrong. He made a fool of me."

Bevor Dr. Huang could step in Joanne continued. "You know I am a grown woman, and I can handle an affair. Was somehow my idea so I have to accept the consequences. I totally get that, but treating me like that, it's just ignorant."

Dr. Huang leaned forward slightly. "That must have been incredibly hurtful. Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?"

"It made me feel stupid. There you have it. He made me feel like what I am, a stupid child who fell for his games," Joanne admitted, her voice trembling. "I invested so much free time, and to have it end like that... it's like he didn't care at all."

Dr. Huang made a note in their book. "Feeling dismissed like that can be very painful. Have you been able to talk to anyone else about how you're feeling?"

Joanne shook her head. "I actually not told anyone about what really happened. My friends just know it is over. But they are worried about me. I've been partying a lot, drinking, doing drugs again. But I'm not sleeping with random people. It's like... I don't even want to try anymore."

Dr. Huang studied Joanne for a moment before speaking. "It sounds like you're struggling to cope with a lot of difficult emotions. Have you thought about why this particular relationship has affected you so deeply?"

Joanne looked down at her hands, picking at her nails. "I saw him on TV in March, with another woman. They looked... happy. He's apparently seeing her now. It just... it hurt so much to see him move on so quickly."

"So you two did not have an affair, you had a relationship?" Her therapist looked at her with an asking face, yet knowing the answer already.

"I", she stuttered, "I would not say a relationship, but over the time we talked a lot. We talked about our horrible stress at work, personal problems - the future. He always acted like I had a place in his future. Once we even played just one game of chess the whole evening without talking. I think it was the time we spent together because we were both lonely in a weird way."

Dr. Huang nodded thoughtfully. "It sounds like you shared a deep emotional connection with him, beyond just the physical aspect."

Joanne sighed, feeling the weight of her emotions pressing down on her. "Yes, exactly. It wasn't just about the sex. We connected on so many levels. That's why it hurts so much. I feel like he used me, like I was just a temporary fix for his loneliness."

The therapist's expression softened further. "Feeling used and discarded can be incredibly painful. It's understandable that you're struggling with these emotions. Have you been able to find any healthy outlets to cope with this pain?"

Joanne shook her head, her platinum hair catching the light. "Not really. I've been avoiding my feelings by partying and doing drugs. It's not healthy, I know, but it's the only way I can numb the pain."

Dr. Huang made another note. "Numbing the pain is something you do a lot if situations do not work your way. It sounds like you're trying to avoid facing your emotions. Do you have an idea why you do this?"

Joanne knew this was not the time to joke but the words left her tongue faster than she could intervene. "My dead father and my absent mother?"

Dr. Huang shook their head in disbelieve. At least Joanne did not loose her humor. "All of this reminds me of a situation seven years ago. Do you remember?"

The blond woman took off her sweater, then starred at her therapist. "I am not trying to kill myself I you have this in mind. This might affected me deeply but he did not get to me that deep." Her words sharp. 

Dr. Huang leaned forward slightly. "Please take off your jewelry Joanne, and then stretch your arms out in front of you, palms up." She does as she was told, knowing what her therapists goal here was. 

The tattoos on her forearm and wrist were bold and  the scars were difficult to see on one arm but all the clearer on the other. A faint short scar on her left arm and a strong long one on her right. 

"Please look at them and tell me, do you feel the same pain as back then?" 

Joanne looked down at her arms, her gaze tracing the scars. The memories rushed back—memories of a time when the pain had been unbearable, when she had felt completely lost and alone. When numbing her pain did not work anymore. Her breathing grew shallow as she relived those dark moments, but she forced herself to stay present.

"No," she said finally, her voice barely above a whisper. "It's different. Back then, I didn't see any way out. Now... now I feel more anger than anything else. Anger at him, anger at myself for letting him get to me."

Dr. Huang nodded, understanding. "Anger can be a powerful emotion. It can drive us to make changes, to protect ourselves. But it can also consume us if we don't handle it properly. What do you think you need right now, Joanne?"

Joanne closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I need to find a way to move past this. To stop letting him control my emotions. I need to focus on myself, on my own healing."

Dr. Huang smiled gently. "That's a good start. Acknowledging that you need to focus on yourself is the first step. We can work on finding healthy ways for you to cope with your anger and pain. It won't be easy, but you've already shown incredible strength just by being here today."

Joanne nodded, feeling a glimmer of hope. "Okay. I'm ready to try."

"Remember," Dr. Huang said softly, "healing is a journey, not a destination. We'll take it one step at a time, together."

As Joanne left the therapist's office, she felt a mixture of relief and apprehension. Her grandmother was waiting outside, her face a mask of concern. Joanne managed a small smile. "I'm okay, Jackie. Let's go home."