O. Kenobi | A Moment of Peace

Part Seven

The tension has become unbearable.

It's been several days since you and Obi-Wan have last actually spoken. He'd tell you information when needed for the benefit of the mission; however, outside of that it's been silent. You know what he's doing – hell, you practically told him to do it. He's distancing himself. For as long as you've known him, you've known that in order to protect himself and the ones he cares about when he feels that he's getting too close, too invested, he'll take a step back from the relationship. He's not a cold man, far from it. His distancing could easily be misread as an act of neglect or disregard, but you know him better than that. For Obi-Wan it actually means the exact opposite. He cares so damn much that it's hurting him.

You have seen this firsthand after the death of Master Qui-Gon. His death had such a monumental impact on Obi-Wan's life; it was the first death that meant something to him. It wasn't just his Master that he lost that day: he lost his first mentor, his father-figure, and someone he trusted with his life. It was the first time he lost a friend and it hit him hard. He cared for his former Master more than he'll ever admit because it just hurts too damn much to think about. In all honesty, he's afraid to open up that old wound again. He's afraid to actually feel something.

You tried to be there for him through his mourning, through his suffering, but Obi-Wan is a stubborn man. Gods, it hurt him to his very core to push you away, but he knew he couldn't go through this again. There's only so much he can take. Every mission you go out on can be your last, Obi-Wan has been taught this his entire life; however, Qui-Gon's death made him realize that at some point he may lose you and there's a possibility that he won't be able to do anything about it. Qui-Gon's death changed him, but your death would destroy him. So, he did the only thing that he thought was right. He backed away.

Those fears are always in the back of his head, that didn't go away; however, he also had to come to terms with the fact that pushing you away not only affected him, but you as well. When he realized that he was hurting you, he didn't know what to do. He thought he was doing the right thing, but his actions were actually bringing you pain. He wants to be impartial. It's what he's been taught to do: to love, respect, and protect everything equally. But he gets attached. He doesn't mean to, but he does. There was Qui-Gon, and then there's Anakin, and there's always been you. To this day, he's not quite sure how to balance his duties with his emotions. There's so much conflict inside him at all times, you can feel it. You know that it's because he's a good man. And dammit, sometimes you just want to grab a hold of his broad shoulders and tell him that over and over again until he believes it. He's a good man but his constant internal struggle of wanting to do the right thing all the time and while also trying to come to terms with his intense and ever present emotions make him feel like he's not good enough. Not good enough for the Jedi council, not good enough to train Anakin, not good enough for you.

You know how he feels more or less. The Jedi Order and the Jedi Code have been your entire life. You were raised by them and you feel as though you owe them a tremendous debt. In reality, you know that the Jedi don't expect perfection; however, with the amount of rules and training required, it can often feel like your ability to be a perfect Jedi is more important than anything else. Obi-Wan has struggled with this for his entire life. While you were breaking the rules and pushing every boundary possible as a youngling, he was following them all and was praised for it constantly. One simple, tiny mistake would ruin his entire day and make him question everything. After spending time with Master Qui-Gon on actual missions where mistakes are inevitable, some of that mentality he once had was challenged and replaced. But a part of it follows him to this day, including his never ending quest for perfection. It doesn't help that the Jedi Council seems to put him on a pedestal, as if he's on a different playing field than the rest of you. Most Jedi see this and are jealous, but it just makes you sad because you know him. Gods, you know him better than anyone and he may be a Jedi and a good one at that, but that doesn't mean he's not human.