Dear Erika Parker, I've Always Loved You

Chapter Fourteen

Dear Erika,

This isn't far. Every living aching bone in my body misses you and I hate it.

I hate how easy it is to pretend I don't like you in the slightest, to move away.

I memorized your number. Crazy, right? I can memorize the number of a girl but never the digits of PI (ha, ironic). I'm scared to text you.

What would I even say?

If I texted you...

Would be...

Would we plan to see each other again? My parents would be down if yours were- maybe then I wouldn't have to spend the rest summer with my birth dad in Mohawk with his new girlfriend Stephanie. Maybe then I could spend it with you.

I want to spend it with you; Rugsby does too.

I think he misses you- well, I know he does. Remember how we kissed- well, he kind of sleeps on the shirt I wore the day we kissed- think he smells you or something.

Your scent's still on my jacket. Why do you always smell like that? Like cupcakes or vanilla or something sweet? Maybe it's because you're so sweet and I desperately don'f deserve you.

Anyways, time to act like I don't care about you, or Winnie, or anyone, my friends want to hang out.

By imaginary Erika.

- R

• • •

Dear Erika,

It's not even the summer anymore and you're still on my mind.

I've tried so hard to reframe from writing- to bury everything down- but everything simple reminds me of you.

I just got back from my dad's in Mohawk, almost dated this girl named Imani.

I didn't.

I couldn't stop thinking about how her dimples looked like yours.

Isa says it's a rebound complex or something. I also told her what happened at the writer's program...

She sternly believes I just missed Winnie.

I have no idea why she hates you so much, but all of me resents her for it. Except, we can never stop being friends, she knows too much.

She'd use it against me.

- R

• • •

Dear Erika,

This isn't the first Christmas without you- and it definitely won't be the last.

I snuck away from my family; needed time to myself...

I think I like Amy. That's fucked up; right? Because I'm writing to you and I like this girl who's in the house next to me and yet I still like you.

I hate myself for it. We're not together and it feels like I'm tying you down.

Why am I so fucked?

I don't like these feelings :(

I wish I liked guys- I know for a fact then that liking two at once wouldn't make me feel bad because dudes suck.

- R

• • •

Erika,

I miss you.

Come hack.

• • •

Dear Erika,

I keep remembering the last time I actually had a conversation with your mom.

She was telling me how she was thankful you met someone like me, thanking me for being your friend like it was a favor I was committing for the gods, I think about that a lot actually.

Being your friend was a favor, neither was kissing you.

You're not even here but I want you to know that.

- R

• • •

Dear Erika,

I've been reading Percy Jackson recently, not surprising, I know. I started reading him because SVA's doing an original play on him, I might get to be Selena, not that you'd know who that is.

Anyways, when I read the last Olympian and saw how long it took Percy and Annabeth to finally...

Get together. I kept thinking, is that going to be me and you?

I still have your number memorized, Isa's just...

Being overbearing about other things.

- R

• • •

Dear Erika,

Today's your birthday. How I remember that after all this time is a miracle- a strange, obsessive one but a miracle at that.

I barely remember my mom's birthday.

Anyways...

Happy 13th. It kind of sucks to be a teen; happy to be the same age as you for another ten days.

Huh, I never even really thought about how we're a year and ten days apart.

Guess that's not new :)

Anything that separates us.

- R

Edit: maybe I should just give up....

You're never coning back and I should move on. Close that book...

For the better.

. . .
♡ T A L E Y I A H ♡