The Thoughts That Chew

the morning after I killed myself.

The morning after I killed myself.
I wake up in my own bed seeing my cat lay in the corner like he always does.
I sit up but nothing moves
He doesn't look up and meow
he's sleeping soundly.

I get out of my bed and walk upstairs
everything seems darker then usual.
I hear my mother's crying from her bedroom.
i go inside and see her sitting on her bed
looking at photos of me,
Looking at things I made
From when I was 4 to the things I made two weeks ago.
my sister hugs her close as she says
"What did I do wrong?"
"I was so scared of loosing her"
"I should've done better"
I wish I was there,
so I could say
"Mama you didn't do anything wrong"
"Its not your fault it's okay"
I try hugging her but my hands are filled with cold.
I am cold.

I see my dog, laying on the couch usually when I saw him. He would look up at me until I said his name
"Yoshi?"
I say, but he lays there with no wags
I could somehow feel that he knew I was gone

I go outside,
and I smell the earthy rain.
I go on a walk
everything seems more quiet
I look up at the sky and I see the sun
but everything feels so dark.

the week after I killed myself,
my room has been untouched,
my bed was still unmade
my clothes still scattered
the bottle of pills, on the floor where I took them
My TV still on just a light gray screen.
my lights are off
and the candle was blown out.

I remember hearing the screams
and looking down at my lifeless body
wearing the necklace my boyfriend had gave me.
the blood along my wrists.

my sister sits in my room on my bed
looking around
My room feels so empty without me.
she cries
she blames herself,
she thinks he could've stopped me.
but she couldn't.

the news had reached my boyfriend,
he feels guilty
he remembers me telling him all my problems
he thought he helped me through all of them
he lays in his bed,
knowing I used to lay next to him
my smell never leaves him
he never cried,
but he cried for me.

my best friend had found out,
she cries, she doesn't know what to do.
She looks at the stuff I've given her
the bed we laughed in
the hoodies I had given her just a week before.

I notice
everyone would think it was their fault.
but the only one that I blame
Is myself.
I should've stayed
for my mother
for my sister
my father
my boyfriend
my friends
for me.

stay for you
and for the ones who love you.