Unfair || 2012 tmnt fanfic

chapter 8 - raph

~ I got back home late at night. Once I got back into the lair, raph was waiting for me. I got scared because I thought that he knew I had murdered Leo, but he didn't seem angry. He seemed calm. I got suspicious because raph is never calm. I walked over to him, taking my headphones out.

D: "Hey Raph, why are you out here alone? Everyone else is sleeping."

R: "I was waiting for you. I want to talk to you about something."

D: "Oh, ok sure. What do you wanna talk about bro?"

R: "Are you doing ok? I know it must be hard to find your brother dead on the floor, so are you mentally ok?"

D: "Oh yeah I'm fine, I'm just taking it rough"

R: "Yeah I can imagine, if I were to find him I would be too. I am anyway because he's my brother, but I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I'm sorry you had to be the one to find him brother"

~ Raph said that as he stood up and put his arm around me. Why was he hugging me? He's never affectionate wit anybody, so why is he now? Leo's death must be hitting him pretty hard if he's hugging me. Apart from it being weird, I hugged him back because it was nice to finally hug my brother after all these years since he never reallyets anyone very touch him.

~ After a while Raph stopped hugging me. He smiled at me and walked to mikeys door, knocking before opening it and walking in. I could tell he was going to check on Mikey, he's been doing that a lot recently but I don't know why. Maybe Mikey is a little depressed or something, but I don't know. I have no idea what's going on with him, but I'm sure it's nothing too serious. At least I hope it's not.

* THE NEXT DAY *

~ I woke up to Raph knocking at my door. I yelled for him to come in, and he slowly entered. He was saying something but I wasn't really paying attention since I was half awake. He asked if I was ok, and I told him I was, even though that's a lie. I'm not ok, I'm guilty. I killed Leo out of spite and now I regret it, but if I tell anyone that it was me they'd all hate me. I can't tell him how I feel. At least not yet, but I don't think I ever will. The guilt will eat me alive until it kills me, or until I kill myself. But I don't really want to kill myself, I mean yeah I'm a little depressed but I don't wanna die. I'm just at a rough patch in life, at least that's what splinter told me.

R: "Hey Donnie, I know it's been hard recently but you don't have to lie to me. I can tell something is off with you, so what's wrong? I'm here for you bro, so please talk to me"

~ I stared at him in shock, he's actually trying to talk to me? Raph never asks how I feel, because he's never cared enough to. But this is like I'm talking to a different person, but I enjoy it.

D: "Oh yeah, I'm fine. Trust me, I'm just a little upset because of Leo passing, but I think we all are. Thanks though"

R: "Alright Donnie, I'm glad you're ok. Me and Mikey are going to be watching a movie if you want to join us. We have popcorn!"

~ Raph said that as he slid out of my room. It made me happy he was being so kind to me, but not in the way I wanted. Is this what it took for Raph to be kind to me? I don't know, but I'm enjoying it. I've always wanted to be close to my brother, but he's always been mean to me and oushed me away, but now's ny chance. Maybe I could have done that with Leo, but he's dead now and there's nothing I can do to change that now.

~ I stayed in my room for another hour, sulking in my own sadness. I don't know why I'm sad, I caused this, but I'm just sad. My heart feels heavy, and I can't bring myself to leave my room. I stay texting April the whole time, she makes me feel better. She makes me feel like I'm worth something.she told me that she's sorry about Leo passing, and that she's here for me. It makes me happy that she cares about me, because that means I'm getting closer to her. And that's a good thing. A really good thing.

~ I eventually leave my room and head towards the couch, where Mikey and raph are finishing their movie. I sit next to Raph, and I grab some popcorn. I stay with them for the rest of their movie, and once it's over Mikey springs up to out he next installment of the franchise into the DVD player. I smile at his excitement, I'm glad he's happy even during these rough times. The rough times I caused. Fuck, I need to stop being so negative and just enjoy being with my brothers.

~ We all end up falling asleep around 1 am, with the third movie playing. I'm glad I chose to be with them, it helped me. I'm even more glad Raph is nice to me now, maybe if he stays like this I won't feel the need to use substances anymore, or carve my skin anymore. I need to be better for my brothers, and this is not the way out lives will be better. I need to change.