Forbidden Feelings

Waking up

   "What the fuck?" I shoot up and see Josh standing in front of me and Cole who is still asleep. Josh yanks his rounded shirt collar and jolts him awake. "Woah, what the fuck man?"

    "You mind explaining to me why my sister was sleeping with you?" I stare at them, "Josh, let him go!"

   "I'll deal with you in a minute," his attention directs back to Josh. "Well?"

   "Nothing happened man. She got scared cause of the storm and I told her to pick out a movie. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I didn't want to wake her up. That's all." Josh grips his collar tighter, "So you slept with her?"

   "Joshua Michael!" I scream at him. "Put him down!" He listens to my words and glares at Cole. "I mean technically yes, but we didn't fuck." I smack my forehead annoyed by this whole ordeal. I know the only thing to get Josh to quit being an ass and it's all on the verge of coming out. I stand there in silence as Josh shoots daggers from his eyes to Cole. "No! I have had it. You don't get to abandon me at 15 then come back and try to play big brother." It comes out faster than I can stop it and Josh's face drops. "I didn't want to-."

   "I don't give a damn what you did or didn't want to do. The point is, you left. You texted me maybe 10 times within the whole 3 years that you have been gone. You don't get to pretend to give a damn about me." Tears begin raining from my eyes and I wipe them away as quickly as they shed and walk away. I hear Josh's voice in the background talking to Cole, "we will talk about whatever the fuck that was later." I hear his steps behind me and I run upstairs to my room. 

   Opening my dresser drawer to pull out a swimsuit, "Kins?"

   "What," my words fall out as more a demand than an answer.

   "I'm sorry." I shake my head, "No."

   "What?"

   "Did I stutter? I said no." I repeat myself, "I'm going for a swim. You can sit here and think about what you wanna try to big brother me about next, but right now. I'm done." He leaves and closes the door behind him and I put on my teal bikini that has tassels and shells dangling from the top. I tie the side cover-up to my waist and head back downstairs and out to the beach. 

   I feel bad about what I said but it needed to be done. I can't just pretend like I'm okay with him acting like my big brother. He's trying, I need to let him. He's not going to be here for long. I start college next year and haven't even told him I've been accepted into the university of Virginia. 

   A half hour goes by of me fighting myself and my heart won, I go back inside and downstairs where I see him in the man cave playing a video game. "Hey." He turns his game off and looks back at me, "hi."

   "Listen, I'm sorry. I know you're trying and-."

   "I get it Kins, I'd be mad at me too." I nod, "can we get some food?" He laughs at my genuine question but stands up, "let's go squirt." 

   "Really?" His nickname for me came from when I was 4 and I had an accident in class. He laughed harder and started up the stairs to the main floor. The phone lines are back up so he handed me his phone and we door-dashed Wendy's. I got my usual, a taco salad while he got a burger. Halfway through my salad I realized Cole wasn't here, "where's Cole?" He put down his burger, "probably resting with some ice on his eye."

   "Why?" That was a dumb question, I already know why. "Don't worry about it." Him telling me not to worry makes me realize it wasn't only for accidentally falling asleep together. "Josh." He shrugs and goes back to his burger. 

   We finished our meals then went to the living room and sat on the sofa. I hear his footsteps behind us and turn around to see Cole with a swollen eye. I scolded Josh and slapped him, "why is his eye swollen?"

   Josh sat up and turned to see Cole who was grabbing ice, "it was my fault, don't give him a hard time princess." My eyes widen at his comment and Josh stands up. "Dude, I will kill you."

   "Okay, drop the fragile masculinity, what the hell happened?" They stare at each other and stay silent. "Fine. I'm calling it."

   "Don't-."

   "You owe me. This time, it's conversation and nobody is running away." Josh does owe me, when I was 14 and he was 17, I watched him climb out of the window to go to his girlfriend's house. I have never spoken a word to anyone about it, he came home at 3 the next morning stumbling and I covered for him. He groans and Cole walks over and sits on the chair across from us. 

   "What happened?" They both glare at each other, "now."

   "He learned not to say stupid shit." Josh looks at me. Oh no, "what did he say?" His focus turns over to Cole.

   "Ugh, I said you were scared and I wanted to make you feel better" that's not where I thought this was going, "then I said I would do it again." 

   "You're leaving out a huge piece of information jackass." I scold my brother then look back at Cole. "He overheard a phone call." My eyes widen and Josh notices, "what?"

   "Nothing," I have to play dumb, "what was the call?"

   He looks down and mutters something I can't comprehend, "what?" He keeps his focus on the floor, "I said you were hot and I'd um-." Oh dear God, why?

   "Spit it out asshole." 

   "Josh, enough." 

   "I said I wouldn't mind um.... fucking you." My expression changes and the heated sensation is back. "That was not what you said." Now I'm confused, "what did he say?" Cole looks away and Josh goes on, "go on. Tell her. I gotta go, if I hear this again I might stab him." I roll my eyes while Josh walks away. "What did you say?" 

   Darkness floods his eyes, "I said, I wanted to be the one you lost it too." Oh no. That's why my brother wants to commit murder. "Why would you say that?"

   "Because it's true," my insides feel like they're on fire and I want to kiss him but I don't. He stands up and moves to sit beside me, I'm speechless. I wouldn't mind him being my first kiss, but my first time? I don't know. He's sexy as hell, but, he's Cole, the ass who used to make fun of me for needing braces and reading. 

   "Cole,-."

   "I know," he doesn't know though. He doesn't know that I want to kiss him. He doesn't know that I enjoyed spending time with him last night. He doesn't know that I was awake when I laid on him yesterday. "Cole," I move his face so our eyes meet, for a second I hesitate, thinking about all the things that could go wrong, but I want to kiss him. "Kiss me." His face lights up, "are you sure?" I nod and he leans in so our lips meet. He's gentle, he knows it's my first kiss. He grabs my chin gently and uses his tongue to part my lips. I want him. He slowly pulls away and looks me in my eyes, "you did good princess." I smile at him and hear foot steps approaching, "did you tell her?"

   "Yeah, I told her." I nod at Josh, "all is forgiven. Now here's an idea, how about a game."

   "What game?" Josh looks and sees how close me and Cole are which makes him noticeably uncomfortable.