Much Ado About Britpop

20 May 1993 - Blakes Hotel, South Kensington, London

"Damon! You're here! Good! Basically, to make a long story short, I need you both to do me a favor," Juniper said.

"Huh," Tinsley said. "Why do you expect him to be helpful?" She pointed at Damon, who was bouncing a Superball off the wall, already in need of a distraction.

"She wants something from us," Damon said. "Probably concert tickets."

"Uh, considering she also works at Top of the Pops, I think not," Tinsley said. "Maybe next time you'll be right."

"I have never been on a date in a foreign country with a guy I barely know," Juniper said. "So I'm gonna need you guys to come on the date with me. Like, you know, a double date."

"...Juniper, that's no big. Of course we'll-"

"Over my dead body," Damon said. "I don't go on double dates even when I'm actually dating someone. Especially not with boy band members. It's all too phony."

"Oh, this is where you draw the line," Tinsley said. "Why? Because your fucking band'll make a few jokes?"

"You don't understand," Damon said. "All you care about is money. I want to be successful and taken seriously."

"Oh, because none of us want to be taken seriously," Juniper snapped. "Please! Don't be a snob! Besides, you owe me one for not telling me Alex has a girlfriend!"

"Since when," Damon asked.  "How was I supposed to know you'd have a problem with that? This is the nineties, in case you haven't noticed!"

"No, moron," Tinsley said. "Most women aren't actively volunteering to be anyone's mistress. It's a girl thing."

"Then how come I still got groupies with a girlfriend," Damon asked with a smirk.

"Because you're a famous guy going after girls outside the entertainment business with low self esteem," Juniper said. "And if you embarrass Tinsley with that, I'll do a lot worse things to you than I did to Alex."

"Also, since you wanted to be a smart-ass, you're going and you're paying for my meal," Tinsley said. "We're getting food, right? Or something this dickhead can pay for me at?"

"Yup," Juniper said. "We're going to this place called San Lorenzo. Apparently Princess Di loves it there. Maybe we'll even get to meet her!"

"Hopefully not. I'm not exactly a royalist, but meeting her with this thing on my arm," Tinsley said, nodding to Damon, "might cause an international incident once he starts on his 'dismantling the monarchy' schtick."

"For those of us who actually live here, it's an important issue," Damon pointed out. "I understand that you guys didn't have to start paying taxes until your little careers took off, but some of us were adults who had to fund the great and wonderful princess' ill-fated and overrated wedding."

"Damon, if you haven't noticed, Americans can do math," Juniper said. "You were thirteen when the Royal Wedding happened."

"Are you sure," Tinsley asked. "He seems about that old now. I hope we're not dealing with a Big situation."

"Ha, ha, ha," Damon said. "Why does every woman I know take the piss out of me?"

"Try being less full of piss and vinegar so we don't have to," Juniper said.

"Yeah, you're three dumb moves from me accepting the wonderful Celine Dion backstage passes we've been sent," Tinsley said. "And of course we'd stay for the concert. And what would you know, I'd forget to bring more than one pair of noise canceling ear plugs."

"Celine Dion isn't even bad, Tinsley," Juniper started but Damon cut her off.

"Opinions about dismantling the monarchy aside, I'll go on the stupid double date, I'll smile, and I won't throw any plates," he said. "...But I won't enjoy myself."

"Good," Tinsley said. "If you were always enjoying yourself, you'd have no understanding of what joy is and nothing to write songs about."

"I can write songs about enjoying myself," Damon snapped back. "I'm not Brett Anderson. And speaking of enjoyment, no nipping off with pretty birds in the women's room and coming out on another trip."

"What," Juniper said. "What is he talking about? Because I know you didn't take random substances in a bathroom again. The last time you did that, some doe eyed girl named Rose gave you E and felt you up on a toilet. Like something out of Drugstore Cowboy."

"And now we take E all the time," Tinsley said, "so get off your high horse."

"It was still twisted and scary," Juniper said, before turning to Damon. "Look after her better. As far as I'm concerned, that's your whole contract."

"Juniper, it's only been two times," Tinsley started, but Damon nodded and said, "You have my word. I'll keep an eye on her."

"You better," Juniper said.