Rafe and Kie: Kook Year

Chapter 5: Gone

TW: themes of depression are present in this chapter.

The next week felt just the same as the first day. Judgemental stares, long classes, tons of homework, and the end of day detention. As much as I wanted to make new friends, I knew it was best to stay invisible. At Kook Academy, being known is a lifetime sentence to be in the spotlight. I haven't seen my friends either. Being grounded has left me completely alone. Most afternoons I spent at The Wreck helping my dad. The customers are kind and tip well too. Still, I feel cheap. At the academy, kids walk in with brand named bags and haven't worked a day in their life. The environment was starting to change me. I started feeling like I needed more. At least I can say I have a loving family. My parents may be hard on me but they also want me to have opportunities. I try not to fight them as much these days.

"Kiara, what are you doing out here?" Mom asks.

I'm sitting outside on the porch at night. The sound of distant ocean waves is peaceful.

"Just listening to the water," I respond.

My mom sits down beside me.

"You've been so quiet lately."

I stay silent, staring at the grass below the porch.

"You're not grounded anymore. Why don't you go see John B and your friends?"

"It's late at night mom." I say smiling.

"I know I mean tomorrow. It's the weekend."

"I don't know. Just not feeling up to it right now."

"Kiara, seriously, are you ok? It's only been a week at the academy and you're acting like...not yourself." My mom rubs my back.

"Ya well it's hard to stay myself in a room full of Kook strangers." I say looking at her.

"You have to stop calling them that. They're not that bad." She says sternly.

"Not that bad?" I laugh in disbelief.

"They ridicule you, stare at you, laugh at you until you're nothing. I feel like nothing." I say tearing up.

"Kie...I'm sorry. It'll get better. I know it."

"How do you know?" Tears begin to fall down my face.

"Because Kiara, I did it too. I had to work my way up. At least you live on figure 8. I went through worse to get you here. Trust me, you are respected more than I was, and I didn't even go to school with them. It gets better."

I wipe my eyes and look at my mom.

"I know mom. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just don't give up."

"I won't."

We hug and head back in the house.

I like to think about this conversation on bad days. Days where disappearing from the school wasn't enough. Days where I wanted to disappear from the world. I lost myself in the next month. Whatever passion I carried was gone, and I wished I could follow it. Gone was exactly where I wanted to be. Everyday I felt out of place. Everyday I felt alone. My friends tried to talk to me but I kept away. Something changed in my mind. I wanted to talk to them desperately but I felt...different. I felt like I fell in between worlds. Too poor for Kooks. Too rich for Pogues. I guess I've always been apart of different worlds. My dad's black and my mom's white. But being in the middle of Kook and Pogue in OBX is not the same as being mixed race. You have to be apart of something. JJ stopped by once. He came to my house to check up on me. I remember the conversation because it was our last.

"JJ? What are you doing here?" I asked opening the front door.

"Kie! Finally! We've been trying to reach you but you're not answering your phone. What's going on? We haven't heard from you in weeks." JJ looks distressed.

"I'm fine JJ thank you. Just caught up with...homework and stuff."

"Homework? Common Kie you're joking. You never put homework before a hangout."

"Well things change." I stare at him with a blank expression.

"Clearly..."

He looks at me confused, trying to piece together what I'm feeling. The truth was he'd never know. I didn't know even know what I was feeling.

"There's a storm coming tonight JJ. You better head home." I start closing the door.

JJ holds the door open.

"Common Kie. It's me. You can tell me what's wrong." He puts his hand on my shoulder.

"JJ...," I look at him, wanting to ask for help. Wanting to tell him I'm not ok. Telling myself to say something. To say anything.

"I just...I just can't talk right now. I'll see you around."

"Kie! Hold on! What happened to Pogues for life? Is it all bullshit now?"

"It's not bullshit, I just can't right now I'm sorry!"

"If you were sorry, you'd still be with us, and not with all of those Kooks."

"Is that what you think of me? Am I just some Kook now?"

"I don't know Kie. I don't know who you are right now."

"Goodbye JJ," I say shutting the door.

"Wait, kie, no-," he steps towards me.

I close the door. Leaning my head against it. I stand in silence. I head to the window, watching to see if he left. A part of me wished he stood by the door too, waiting for me to change my mind. But he was gone. I don't know why I was so hurt. I was the one who pushed him away. I pushed all of them away. That's the thing about depression...that empty feeling. Being around my friends wouldn't help me. It was best to let them go before I let them down later. Looking back now, I regret what I did. As much as I needed support from them, it was John B who needed me more. I got news that big John Routledge went missing a week later. Word was that he got lost at sea. Knowing big John, this was unbelievable. He knew his directions and how to use a boat. I knew something terrible must have happened so I went to see John B. I remember going to his house. Standing outside watching through the window. I saw him sitting down sobbing while JJ and Pope hugged him. I cried for him then, but I couldn't bring myself to go in. Not after I abandoned him. So I left. Went missing from their lives. Like everything else, I was gone.