stigma (n.) // Hyunlix

Two

H Y U N J I N

There's a spot in Chan's studio at the company, on the left side of the desk, or rather directly under the desk, where there's enough space for a person to sit. A few years ago, Seungmin or Jisung, neither of them remembers who exactly now, had taken one of the sofa cushions and shoved it under the desk, crawled after it, and then spent an entire recording session under there.

Somehow that stuck. They've all used that spot before (even Chan once who crawled under the desk in a mock fight, where the others pretended not to see him only to find him fully asleep five minutes later, curled up with his arms folded and his head resting against the desk wall.). They've all fallen asleep there at some point or another. Hyunjin uses it the least only because he has long legs and it's not exactly comfortable to sit folded like a pretzel. But he does like it sometimes. It's its own little world down there, and he can get lost in sketching or playing with his phone while the chatter happens close by. He's part of something without actually taking part in it. By himself without being alone.

He's using the spot today, and Chan is delighted when he first comes into the room to find Hyunjin down there, legs folded and his iPad in his lap. Delighted and likely a little bit worried too, but Chan doesn't say anything, just starts working, and now he's completely immersed, only occasionally remembering Hyunjin by his feet and then he's playing a snippet and asking for his opinion. It's calm and quiet, and the refuge Hyunjin was looking for when he took the sofa cushion and placed it on the floor, in this little corner.

Hyunjin hasn't told anyone about the flower growing in his chest. It's been three days. Three days and five more petals.

He knows that he's playing with fire, being here with Chan for such a long time. He could start coughing up the next petal any time, and while he can be secretive he's not good at lying on the spot and doesn't know how to quickly come up with a cover story.

Deep down he knows that this is why he's here. So that he can be found out. That he doesn't have to go through the ordeal of telling, just have Chan find out on his own, force the explanation out of him, so Chan knows and once Chan knows he will be able to do something, fix this somehow like he fixes everything else.

He's pretty sure that Chan is fully aware that something is up. Hyunjin doesn't usually hide in the spot under the desk. Now that they have their own rooms, he's there when he wants alone time, painting or reading. He doesn't make the trip to the company just to be alone. But Chan doesn't push, at least not yet, and Hyunjin loves him for it, even though he wishes he would today.

Changbin joins them at some point, coming in already announcing that he can't stay too long. He talks about early dinner plans with Wooyoung and Yeonjun and only notices Hyunjin when he grabs another chair to sit next to Chan.

"Hyunjinn-ah?"

He leans down and coos at Hyunjin and then reaches out to ruffle his hair, only happy when he gets an annoyed huff in return.

Felix appears a little later, when Changbin's already gone, and Hyunjin startles when he comes in and crouches down to get a look at who's using the spot today.

Felix laughs in surprise, but there's a frown too. Hyunjin can sense that he wants to ask, but Chan distracts him, gets him to listen to a new track or a new top line and Hyunjin listens to them talk in English and he wonders when that sound has become such a comfort for him.

"Can I join you?" Felix's voice startles him, breaking him out of wherever he's been lost to.

Hyunjin can't tell how much time has passed between Felix coming in and now, where he's crouching down, looking at Hyunjin with so much kindness in his eyes that he feels the guilt wash over him over the secret in his chest. Both secrets.